Reset
by violette7
Summary: Justin loses his memory of the last year after the bashing. What will Brian do?
1. It's Only Time

It's only time. Brian repeated those words in his head over and over, but they didn't make him feel any better. In time, the world might right itself. Or not. But Brian would remember, and, maybe, in the next life, they'd fare better. Christ, had he just thought that? As if he and Justin were soulmates. Star-crossed lovers. Fated to be together in some way in every life.

Thanks to Chris Hobbs, Justin had lost his memory of the last year. As Brian and Daphne had sat on the hard waiting room chairs, the doctor had declared, in a cruel, inhuman monotone, that Justin's chances of ever remembering were one in a million.

The doctor had come and gone hours ago and Justin was peacefully sleeping, but Brian continued to sit in the waiting room, thinking. Thinking about a beautiful, innocent, yet bold twink standing against a lamppost, a dozen of his firsts, all starring Brian, ecstasy-induced sex marathons, hundreds of brilliant drawings, ice cream kisses, endless dancing that looked more like fucking, touching foreheads, nose nudges, the hundred or so mornings he'd waken up holding the blond, the even greater number of shower blowjobs (Christ, Justin gave the best head), slow, but passionate French kisses…Then, his mind took a dark turn, and he remembered angst-filled mind games, the hundreds of nameless, faceless tricks he'd fucked or been sucked by over the last year, many times while Justin watched, his heart breaking, the countless times Brian had said he didn't want or need the boy, that they weren't together…Whatever they may have shared, it was gone, as was the pain Brian had caused the boy. What now? Should he leave well enough alone? He could guess what everyone would tell him when they heard the news.

Mikey: "You're finally free. Just walk away."

Jennifer and Deb: "Just let him go. Let him be happy."

What he never would have guessed was what Daphne actually said. "This is your chance. Start over with him. And don't fuck it up!"

Could he? For a moment, he let his mind wander…go where it wanted. He had known that night, as he dressed for Justin's prom, that he loved the little twat. Brian hadn't spoken the words, but he hoped Justin had heard them anyway. Not that it mattered now. But…knowing that he loved him…having admitted it to himself, would he do things differently if given the chance? Would he take him on dates, give monogamy a try, and/or say the words the boy had been longing to hear before the bashing? Would Justin even fall for him again? Or had it been a fluke? A combination of serendipitous conditions that couldn't be replicated? Would it be easier to simply walk away?

Brian remembered what Justin had said when he'd been packing for New York City.

"_Don't go. You can't go. What are you going to do without me?"_

"_I don't know. I guess I'll survive."_

"_Doubt it. What about me?"_

"_I'm sure you'll get along fine on your own."_

"_No, I won't."_

Walk away. The words sent his heart plummeting into his stomach. That was no longer an option.


	2. Broken

Daphne threw herself down on Brian's designer couch and crossed her arms in a huff. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and asked, "Something troubling you, princess?"

"Hah! You wouldn't be so calm if you knew!"

"Knew what?"

"Justin's mom can be such a c-word!"

Brian couldn't help but laugh. "Such a c-word, huh?"

"Yes! A c-word with a capital C! She packed every reminder of last year into boxes and put them in the attic. She also told Deb and Vic and everyone else to stay the hell away…that Justin didn't remember them and that she didn't want him to! She's probably hoping that 'he forgot' he's gay, but that ain't gonna happen!"

She looked at Brian sadly. "Now what? You have to 'meet' him somehow and soon! But how? He won't be at the diner working or at Deb's…"

Then her eyes widened. "Wait! Oh my God, it's perfect!"

Brian imitated her excited hand gestures and wide eyes and asked "What?!"

Daphne just rolled her eyes and answered, "I'll bring him to Liberty again. This time, I'll drop him off right outside Babylon, and you can meet the way you met the first time! What do you think? Perfect, right?"

Brian wasn't sure. In fact, this is what he feared the most. Reliving memories only to discover that something was missing. Some essential something. What if Justin went home with someone else? What if he went home with Brian but didn't end up falling for him again? Should they simply make new memories? Brian wanted Justin to fall for him again, but he didn't exactly want to repeat their history. Brian was different now, whatever that meant. The boy had irrevocably changed him. So much so that he hadn't been able to trick since the bashing. He'd tried a few times, but had ended up shoving tricks away roughly the moment he'd realized that their mouths and their asses weren't going to satisfy him in the slightest, and even made him a little ill (as though the world were mocking him by forcing him to remember and to want what he couldn't have, what he may never have again). It was that last part, the possibility that Justin would reject him or be oblivious to him, that made him ill. Brian despised weakness, especially his own, but he just couldn't force himself to walk away or even pretend he didn't care what happened one way or the other.

The little fucker had broken him, and he had no clue how this new Brian Kinney should act or whether Justin would even want him. He sighed. He couldn't be that pathetic. He just couldn't. It shouldn't matter where or how they met. Justin's body would certainly respond to his in any situation. But without his confidence…his carefree attitude…would Justin's heart respond? Fucking Christ! He felt like a kid again. And not in a positive, life-affirming way! He felt like that scared, insecure, self-loathing kid his parents had made, through cold hatred, endless beatings, and neglect. Fine! Fucking fine! He'd managed to pull himself out of that black hole before. He could do it again. His old mantra came back to haunt him, "Pretend until you believe."

Brian turned to Daphne and stated firmly, "Okay. Let's do this thing. Bring him to Liberty tonight, say, midnight."

Daphne giggled. "Cool!"


	3. Caught

Daphne and Justin had been planning to come down to Liberty Avenue for a while, but Justin kept putting it off. He wanted to lose his virginity, but he was so nervous. However, tonight, Daphne insisted, and, to her great surprise, Justin readily agreed. The last couple of weeks, he'd been having wet dreams. Unfortunately, he didn't retain much in the way of details. Just the odd fragment here and there. Sunshine on chestnut hair. The scent of whiskey, cigarettes, and something else, indefinable but intoxicating. A low growl that set his body aflame. Ever since the first dream, he was need incarnate. He'd started jerking off several times a day…to an image comprised of the fragments from his dreams, albeit with some major gaps. So his mystery man was always standing in the shadows. He could hear him, smell him, and catch a glimpse once in a while, but, otherwise, he always imagined them fucking in near darkness. So…the trip to Liberty was finally happening. As Daphne drove down the street, Justin couldn't help gawking like it was his first visit to 'the big city.'

Daphne pulled to the side of the road and parked near a club named Babylon.

She smiled and declared excitedly, "This club looks good. Lots of hot guys milling about and music we can hear all the way outside."

Justin nodded, but seemed apprehensive as he watched the crowds passing by. There were so many people everywhere, on the sidewalks, in the road, in the alley…

Justin stepped out of the car, and Brian spotted him instantly. In spite of having had brain surgery a few short weeks ago, he looked beautiful, perfect. Daphne had dressed him well, much better than he'd dressed himself the last time. Brian shuddered when he remembered the blue plaid. Justin was wearing a silver long-sleeved v-neck pullover and tight black jeans; his hair was even styled. Already the details were different. Justin was looking around nervously. Brian silently entreated Justin to notice him. Brian wanted so much to believe their meeting was fated that he was there, but not obviously so. He wasn't standing under the streetlamp or against his jeep. He was just leaning against a building in the alley, smoking.

Daphne saw Brian and was about to point him out to Justin, but Brian stopped her with a sharp look and a slight shake of his head. Brian needed Justin to find him on his own, or not at all. At that thought, he grew cold. Brian's jaw clenched when he saw a few semi-hot-looking guys moving in. One, a sandy-blond with violet eyes, smiled at Justin. Justin smiled back, but only out of courtesy. Brian detected no heat or exhilaration in his eyes. Brian let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Another, a tall muscular brunet with green eyes, actually walked up to Justin. The man checked Justin out and, then, smiled. Justin blushed, which oddly, went straight to Brian's cock, and probably the brunet's, too, but Justin's gaze held nothing other than curiosity. He wrinkled his nose, again, straight to the cock, and shook his head. Brian let his head fall. This whole experience had him so damn tense.

Justin shook his head and chuckled. Part of him had been hoping he'd find his dream lover, but that was just silly. He wasn't one of the main characters in a mushy romance. He wasn't going to happen upon his destiny. He was starting to regret coming to Liberty at all. No one but his mystery man would suffice, not right now, anyway, and Justin couldn't meet someone who only existed in his imagination. He took one last look around and was about to ask Daphne to take him home when he caught a glimpse of someone in the alley. Chestnut hair glinted in the darkness. No. Fucking. Way. He was drawn to that brief flash of reddish-brown hair like a moth to a flame.

Brian tossed his cigarette on the ground and was about to leave when he saw Justin walking toward him. The boy was flushed, his eyes, wild. In them, Brian saw desire and purpose, as though Justin had come here specifically to meet him. Brian stopped breathing; his heart skipped a beat and, then, pounded so hard in his chest he was sure Justin could hear it.

As Justin neared the man cloaked in darkness, he picked up a scent very like that of his dream lover. Justin hadn't even seen him clearly yet, but he knew, _he knew_, they were one and the same. When he finally stood face to face with the man, he was so taken aback, so captivated, that he wobbled a bit. The man's hazel eyes burned into him. He was beautiful, yet so…intense. He exuded strength, carefully controlled ferocity, unfathomable sadness, and profound need, a hunger that left Justin breathless. The man was a predator. But Justin was more than willing prey. He walked right up to the man and brushed his lips gently against his. Justin's eyes glazed over with lust when he heard a low growl. Fuck yeah. The next thing Justin knew he was enveloped in warm, strong arms, and the man was devouring his mouth, plundering it with his tongue. Justin returned the kiss with equal vigor. It was then that he knew there was such a thing as destiny, for surely he'd found his.


	4. Running Scared

Brian had missed Justin so much and had been so afraid that he had been completely and irrevocably erased from the boy's life that he was having difficulty controlling himself. He wanted to take Justin right here and now, feel the perfection that was their joining. Worse yet, Justin was rubbing against him and touching him everywhere. The boy's hands never stopped moving. How could Brian resist? Suddenly, he froze. He had been kissing the boy senseless, squeezing his ass with one hand and guiding his head with the other, fingers threaded in silky blond hair, when something dawned on him.

If Justin didn't remember any of his experiences with Brian, that meant he didn't remember losing his virginity. Justin hadn't done anything with anyone before meeting Brian. As far as Justin was concerned, this was his first kiss. Brian's eyes widened, as the weight of that realization washed over him. He took a deep breath. Justin may be drawn to him, he may even have some kernel of a memory left, but it wasn't the same. Brian couldn't treat Justin like the person he'd fucked hundreds of times. He'd have to deflower the boy again. More like he'd "get to" deflower the boy again. The last time, he'd felt an immediate connection to the boy, but this time would be different in a frightening way. He loved the little fucker. He had difficulty processing the fact that he was effectively going to take the virginity of someone he loved. Every kiss and touch would mean something, even more since that's how he was accustomed to expressing his feelings for the boy. A voice in his head urged him to run. Far and fast. But he held his ground.

Justin was confused and a little unsteady. He wondered why the man had stopped kissing him. Had his lack of experience turned him off? For Justin, everything about what had just happened felt right, so right. Perfect. But…

He asked softly, "Is something wrong?"

Brian just smirked, turned the boy away from him, wrapped his arms around his waist, and guided him to the jeep.

When they reached it, Brian spun the boy around again and pushed him gently against the vehicle. Justin smiled. Brian couldn't help but smile back.

He asked softly, "What do you want, Kitten?"

Justin wrinkled his nose adorably. "Kitten?" He kind of liked the man, his dream lover, calling him that, but he didn't understand why he had.

Brian shot him a tongue-in-cheek expression and replied, "Don't kittens rub their warm bodies all over people, all the while purring?"

A crimson blush spread over Justin's entire body as he answered, "Yes" and looked down.

Brian lifted the boy's chin gently with one finger until their eyes met and stated simply, "I like kittens."

Justin flashed him a million-watt smile, a smile Brian felt in a couple of places.

He drawled, "What do you want, Kitten? (Justin smiled shyly at this) You obviously came looking for something tonight. Now that you've found him, what do you want?"

Justin blushed and replied softly, "I'm not even sure." He swallowed hard and continued in a near whisper, "All I know is that I want you."

Brian tried not to show how much the boy's answer pleased him. He nudged the boy's nose, kissed his lips gently, and, then, whispered in his ear, "Well, I know what I want, Kitten. I want to fuck you All. Night. Long."

Justin shivered and swallowed hard. He didn't say a word. He couldn't. He pulled the man's body against his and placed the man's hands on his ass. Then he slowly slid his arms up to the man's shoulders and started rubbing his very erect cock against him. He rubbed his face against the man's neck and, then, began sucking and nibbling on it. All that sent shivers up and down Brian's spine, even as heat suffused his body.

Brian suddenly had a thought. Maybe he should let the boy take the lead. He certainly planned to fuck the boy that night. Many, many times. But he'd love to see what Justin came up with for the preshow. He might think he was a virgin, but he wasn't. Not by a long shot. And they had all night. Brian wouldn't mind letting the boy explore his body. Not in the slightest. He might even let Justin fuck him. Brian couldn't think of a better way to give them a new start.


	5. Don't Be Shy

As Brian and Justin drove off in the jeep, Justin finally remembered Daphne.

"Fuck!" he cried.

Brian looked over at the boy in alarm.

"I forgot to tell Daphne I was leaving with you! She's going to be worried sick!"

Brian wanted to alleviate the boy's fear, but he needed to be careful. He didn't want to lie to him, but he couldn't exactly confess that he knew all the major players in the boy's life and that they knew him.

"When she saw me taking you to the jeep, she smiled and left."

Justin heaved a sigh of relief. "She did?"

Brian smiled. "Yeah."

Brian was actually glad for the distraction. He hated to admit it, but he was nervous. He thought bitterly that this was the reason, well, one of the reasons, love sucked…love made people hesitate, second guess, and analyze everything. How did people get anything done this way?

When they were finally inside the loft, Brian took a deep breath and feigned a cool he didn't feel, shrugging off his leather jacket and tossing it on the couch and, then, pulling Justin by the sleeve into the bedroom. Justin was so nervous that he was paler than usual and sweating a little. Brian stopped right in front of the bed, let go of Justin, and swiveled around.

Putting on his game face, a large shot of arrogance with a dash each of amusement and desire, he peeled off his black wife beater and unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. Justin's eyes widened, and his breath grew ragged. Brian inched his jeans and boxer-briefs down while staring directly into Justin's eyes. His eyes seemed to be daring Justin, but, to do what, Justin didn't know. The boy raked his eyes over the man's naked body hungrily. As they reached his erect cock, the boy licked his lips.

Brian grinned and drawled, "Do you like what you see, Kitten?"

Justin looked up in confusion, "Huh?"

Brian laughed and repeated, "Do you like what you see, Kitten?"

Justin blushed deeply when he realized that the man had seen him gaping at his cock.

Brian lay down on the bed, spread his arms out, and remarked in a sultry voice, "You said that you wanted me, Kitten. Well, here I am. Do what you will."

Justin just blinked.

Brian's cock stood a little taller in response. The boy was so fucking adorable. Brian sat up, leaned on his arms, and asked seductively, "Kitten, do you fantasize about fucking?"

Justin blushed and admitted slowly (and softly), "Yes."

He responded lightly, "Okay. Just pretend that you're fantasizing about us. What would you do? What would you ask me to do?"

Justin stuttered a little as he replied, "I…I'm not very experienced. (soft sigh) Not experienced at all."

Brian, relieved that he didn't have to lie, declared, "I know you're an incredible fuck. Shyness doesn't become you (he bit the inside of his cheek, and his eyes danced). Okay, it does, but you needn't be shy. You're a natural."

The man's words both pleased and puzzled Justin. He laughed nervously. "How could you possibly know that? Especially if I don't."

Brian smirked. He replied coolly, "Call it practice wisdom."

Then, he drawled, "The way you kiss…the desire burning in your eyes and all over your body…your kittenish enthusiasm and responsiveness to touch…they all tell me that I want to be in your hands, your mouth, your body…"

Justin's face broke out into a million-watt smile, but he looked at the floor and blushed and, then, peeked at the man from under his long eyelashes. He couldn't speak. He did, however, start stripping off his clothes.

Brian lay back down, eyes trained on Justin. Brian whispered, "Slower, Kitten…"

Justin blushed more deeply, but he peeled his shirt off more slowly, exposing his creamy, slightly flushed skin inch by beautiful inch. It took all of Brian's self-control to remain a passive observer. Next, the boy unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. As he was about to remove them, Brian asked, his eyes dark with lust, "Turn around first."

Justin hesitated shyly but, then, swiveled around and slid his jeans and briefs down, bending over sinuously as he did so. Brian growled softly; Justin heard him and smiled. Brian wanted to rim the boy into a puddle, but he resisted the urge, though his cock started leaking at the thought. Justin stepped out of his pants (after removing his socks and shoes) and swung back around. Brian was very obviously staring at Justin's cock, a fact that did not go unnoticed by Justin.

Justin was eager but nervous. He had no idea where to start. He'd really enjoyed the kissing and grinding. He said hesitantly, "Could you sit up again? In the middle of the bed?"

Brian complied. Justin crawled onto the bed toward him and maneuvered himself so that he was facing the man, sitting between his legs, with his legs around the man's waist. Justin leaned in and traced his lower lip with the tip of his tongue and, then, pushed it inside the man's mouth. He cupped the man's face, tilted his head, and began exploring every inch. Brian responded eagerly, but let the boy lead. After a few minutes, Justin pulled back, flushed and panting. Fuck, the boy was hot.

Justin looked up at the man nervously and, then, down. He took the man's hand and placed it on his cock. Brian couldn't help but smile. Subtle, real subtle.

Despite his amusement at the boy's method of communication, he was more than game. He grasped the boy's dick firmly and squeezed, eliciting a deep moan. Brian lifted his chin up with a finger and offered him a gentle smile, which relaxed the boy and earned him a smile in return. Then, he drew his thumb across the boy's slit, spreading his precum over his shaft, and started pumping it slowly, all the while watching the boy closely. Justin closed his eyes for a moment but, then, leaned in and kissed the man passionately. He pulled back, nudged the man's nose, and rubbed his cheek against the man's, moving his head slowly down to the man's neck, which he started licking and sucking, particularly his pulse point.

When more precum bubbled out of the boy's cock, Brian swiped his thumb over the boy's slit, spread it all over his shaft, and pumped a little faster. Justin moaned against the man's neck and then rubbed his cheek on the man's chest in a path downward. He swirled his tongue around the man's left nipple, sucking on it gently at first and then harder, and, then, nibbled its little peak. Feeling Justin's cock leak and grow increasingly harder and listening to him pant and moan was enough to drive Brian crazy, but that coupled with Justin rubbing against him and licking, sucking, and biting various parts of his body caused his cock to throb, growing painfully erect, and his breath to become ragged.

Sensing this change, Justin looked up at the man. The desire in his eyes was intoxicating and nearly sent Justin over the edge. He leaned against the man and half-whispered, half-moaned, "Please, I need…"

Brian knew exactly what. In the span of about three seconds, he let go, pushed the boy so that he was lying down, and deepthroated his massive erection. He only needed to deepthroat him a few more times before Justin's cock erupted. When his orgasm hit, waves of pleasure coursing through him, his eyes flew open and he gazed into the man's eyes with a tenderness that stopped Brian's heart, all the while arching his back and moaning loudly, much more loudly than he had yet that night.

After the aftershocks subsided, Brian crawled next to Justin, kissed his lips gently, and, then, thrust his tongue inside Justin's mouth, pulling him on top of him, placing one hand on Justin's neck and one on his ass, kissing him passionately, and rubbing his erection against Justin's body. A few moments later, he froze as his own orgasm ripped through him.


	6. Role Reversal

Brian was uncertain. About everything. That didn't sit well with him at all. After Justin had cum in Brian's mouth, Brian was so incredibly turned on. Just remembering Justin's half-moan, half-whisper, "Please, I need," had his cock throbbing. Justin's need, which had mirrored his own, which always mirrored his own, and the look he'd seen in Justin's eyes just before cumming (was he crazy to think it might have been love?) had sent Brian so close to the edge that he'd needed immediate release, but, more than that, he'd needed to feel Justin's body against his own and kiss his soft beautiful lips, to answer Justin's look in the only way he could.

At the time, it'd seemed natural, right, to seek his release in the way he had, in Justin's arms, against soft, flushed skin. But now…

A year ago…a month ago, he would never have done that. He would never have felt comfortable. He always needed to be cool and in control. Especially with Justin. Especially with sex. Brian wanted their relationship to be different, but he'd acted desperate, completely lacking in self-restraint. Not sophisticated in the slightest. How would that color Justin's opinion of him? If only he knew what exactly it was that the boy had seen in him that first night so long ago...or since.

Standing up, Brian exhaled and extinguished his cigarette. Justin would be waiting for him in the shower. He'd needed a moment to collect himself, so he'd sent Justin in ahead of him, but he didn't feel confident in the slightest. He whispered, "Pretend until you believe," squared his shoulders, and walked into the bathroom, exuding a calm he didn't feel.

When Brian entered the shower, Justin turned and smiled, so brightly, as his eyes lighted on him.

Justin's breath caught in his throat when he took the sight of the man in; he was a god. His body, lean yet strong and toned, and his eyes. His eyes. Sometimes a warm brown, at others, a cool sea-green flecked with gold, like now. And those perfectly shaped lips. What they did to him! He remembered the deep exploring kisses they'd shared and sighed softly. Justin had read somewhere that when two people kissed, their souls were mingling. After kissing the man, he could easily believe it. He turned a bright pink when he remembered his orgasm. The man's hot wet mouth enveloping his dick, taking him entirely into his mouth…all the way to his throat in one go…his swirling tongue. Justin licked his lips and blinked slowly, languorously.

Suddenly invigorated, he gently pressed his lips against the man's and, then, laid open-mouthed kisses in a trail down the man's chest. He started panting as he neared the man's erect cock. Justin smiled to himself as he wondered if it was ever soft. He kneeled in front of the man, moved his fingers lightly up his muscular thighs, and, then, licked the underside of the man's cock, from base to tip, swirling his tongue as he went along. Justin heard the man breathe in sharply and smiled. Next, he sucked along its length as though it were a popsicle. The man started panting softly, and his cock started leaking. Justin lapped up the man's precum eagerly and sucked the head as he swirled his tongue around it.

Peeking up at the man, he saw that he was looking down at him. His eyes held desire and something else, something softer. That drove Justin wild. Without even thinking, he took the man's entire cock into his mouth. He grabbed the man's ass and bobbed his head up and down furiously. He heard the man place a hand on the wall to steady himself and moan softly. Justin sucked, licked, swirled, and swallowed, eliciting a chorus of moans from the man, soft, loud, and deep.

Much sooner than he expected, the man came with a shout, and Justin swallowed greedily. Observing the blissful look on the beautiful man's face, he smiled brightly. Maybe he _was_ a natural. Thinking about what was to come sent a delicious shiver down his spine. Tonight was already the best night of his life, and it was just beginning.


	7. Please Look at Me

The blowjob was an eye-opening experience for Justin. He suddenly found himself capable of things he had only dreamt about before. So after their shower, Justin decided to "push the envelope." When the brunet walked into the bedroom, Justin asked if he would get him some water and shut the bathroom door. He had no idea how he guessed that the man kept condoms and lube in a drawer in the bathroom, but he grabbed the lube, lay down on the floor, and opened himself up, starting with one finger and, then, two and three. After that, he returned the lube to the drawer and grabbed a condom, holding it in a closed hand to hide it.

When Justin came out, he heard the man's sharp intake of breath and saw the startled, amazed look in his eyes. Knowing that the man found him attractive, even beautiful, set butterflies aflutter in his belly. Justin walked over to the man, stood as close as possible to him, which greatly increased his own heart rate, and, then, took the water bottle and drank a sip, a gulp really, leaning his head way back. He turned and capped the bottle, smiling at the effect he'd had on the man's cock, and set it on a nightstand.

Justin said softly, "Lie on the bed and close your eyes."

Justin knew he'd never have the courage to do this if the man were watching him. The way the man looked at him was very like the way he'd seen lions watching zebras on the Discovery channel. The man readily complied. When the man was lying down, Justin crawled next to him on the bed, leaned over, kissed the man's lips gently, and, then, thrust his tongue inside the man's mouth. He was immediately inflamed and was soon kissing the man passionately, even desperately. He had no idea why, but kissing the man drove him wild, more so than nearly anything else. He pulled back. They were both panting.

Justin whispered, "Keep your eyes closed until I ask you to look at me. Okay? Promise."

The man laughed and replied, "I promise."

Justin leaned over the man's waist and licked his already fully erect cock and, then, deepthroated it. His eyes lit up when the man moaned in response. He sucked on the man's cock for a couple of minutes but, then, pulled back and straddled him. Next, he sheathed the man's cock, drawing a gasp from him. Finally, he positioned the man's cock at his well-lubed entrance and started pushing it inside, eliciting a deep body moan. The man slid his hands around Justin's waist, sending a delicious shiver down Justin's spine.

Justin bit his lip. It was painful at first, but not as painful as he imagined his first time would be. When he'd pushed the man's cock halfway in, he paused and took a deep breath. He looked at the man. He was licking his lips, his face a picture of bliss. That set the boy on fire. He suddenly buried the man's cock all the way inside him. Justin was experiencing so many new sensations that both he and the man moaned loudly the moment they were fully joined.

Justin whispered huskily, "Look at me. Please."

The man's eyes flew open. Then, Justin started riding him.

Brian grabbed Justin's hips tight and moaned. As he slid up and down Brian's cock, they gazed into each other's eyes. Justin licked his lips and panted, his eyes wide. Each time the man's cock rubbed up against some special spot inside Justin, a jolt of pleasure pulsed through him, setting some parts of him atingle, and others, aflame.

Watching Justin take his pleasure so aggressively drove Brian close to the edge. He flushed. He so wanted to grab Justin and move him up and down harder and faster, but he couldn't. This was Justin's show. But he couldn't help but grab Justin's purple leaking cock firmly and start stroking it. The second Brian wrapped his hand around it, Justin shouted, "OH!" Then, he licked his lips and rode Brian faster.

Justin couldn't take it anymore. He'd wanted to gaze into the man's eyes the entire time, but he couldn't. The pleasure was driving him insane. He closed his eyes tight, leaned his head back, and moaned loudly as he impaled himself on the man's cock faster and faster. Suddenly, the man commanded, "Justin, look at me."

Then more softly, "Please, look at me."

Justin complied, falling into hazel depths as his orgasm coursed through him like the blood in his veins. He heard a rushing in his ears and saw colored lights exploding at the edge of his vision. When he felt the warmth of the man's own orgasm shoot into him, without even thinking, he moaned, "I love you, Brian."

Before he could stop himself, Brian breathed, "I love you, too."

When the fact that Justin had used his name hit him, Brian's eyes widened, but his thoughts were immediately interrupted when Justin suddenly asked, "How did you know my name is Justin?"


	8. The Man of My Dreams

Brian mentally cursed himself for letting Justin's name slip. He rolled his lips inside his mouth for a moment as he contemplated whether he should tell Justin the truth or lie and hope he believed it. The doctor had warned against telling Justin about events he couldn't remember or otherwise trying to restore his memory. He sighed; he'd lie, he had to, though he wasn't thrilled about the idea. He was well known for his honesty, at times, brutal honesty. Of course, that didn't always apply to Justin. Every time Brian had told Justin he didn't matter and most of the times he'd acted like he didn't want him around, he'd been lying.

Brian replied as nonchalantly as possible, "I heard your friend call you that."

Justin laughed. "Of course." He shook his head. "God, I'm so stupid."

Justin looked over at the man. His eyes held that same intense look they'd had when they'd 'met' earlier. It might be better to say when they'd encountered each other because they were kissing before one word had been spoken.

The man asked, "Why do you say that?"

Justin smiled brightly and blushed. Softly, he answered, "Well…it's just…I feel like I know you, and…"

The man prodded, "And…?"

Justin colored as he replied, "Well, the last couple of weeks, I've had these dreams."

"Dreams?"

He blushed more deeply as he said, "I shouldn't have even mentioned them. The idea is silly."

"Why don't you let me be the judge?"

Justin took a deep breath and avoided the man's eyes as he explained, "Well…I've been dreaming of the same man. Every night for the last couple of weeks. That's why I agreed to come to Liberty Avenue tonight. I was hoping…"

The man offered, "That you'd meet him?" The man didn't seem to be mocking him at all. His expression was serious, and his eyes intense.

Still unsure and embarrassed, Justin responded, "Yeah, stupid, right?"

"Not necessarily."

Justin raised his eyebrows.

The man asked, "So…did you?" He seemed to be genuinely asking, like he really wanted to know.

Justin laughed nervously. "What?"

The man, no hint of amusement in his face, that intense look in his eyes, asked, "Did you meet the man of your dreams?"

Justin swallowed hard and whispered, never once breaking eye contact, "When I saw you, I was sure I had."

Brian looked down and cleared his throat. His chest ached. He'd been on tenterhooks as Justin told him about his dream man, hoping Justin had been dreaming of him. But if so…Brian must have been a disappointment somehow. Trying to keep his voice steady, he asked, "And now?"

Justin paused, but, then, replied, "It sounds too stupid to actually believe, but, if I'm honest, I have to admit that I still do."

Brian's heart actually leapt. He wasn't sure what to say.

Justin looked down but, then, back up and, after a long pause, whispered, "Do…do you feel anything like that with me?"

Brian asked, again trying to keep his voice even, "Like what exactly?"

"That us meeting tonight was fated…I don't know what I'm saying. Never mind." Justin had blushed deeper and deeper as he spoke, and his voice had dropped lower and lower.

He looked down, now a deep red.

Brian lifted Justin's chin up with a finger and, then, touched his forehead to Justin's. He stated, softly, "Yes."

Justin's eyes widened. "You do?" His voice broke a little.

Brian attempted to maintain a matter-of-fact tone, but he didn't quite manage it. "Yes."

Brian couldn't help but kiss Justin's lips gently, and, then, more curious than he'd ever been, he asked, "What exactly did you dream about? What did your mystery man look like? What did you do together?"

Justin blushed. He replied hesitantly, "Well…I don't know exactly what he looks like. All I could ever see, or remember seeing, was hazel eyes and chestnut hair, but I remember the way he smelled…"

"And what was that like?"

Justin replied softly, "Uh…like cigarettes, whiskey, and something else."

It was clear that on some subconscious level Justin remembered Brian. He was dreaming about him, and, in the heat of the moment, he'd even said Brian's name, though he didn't seem to remember.

Justin interrupted Brian's contemplation. He breathed, "Like you" and looked at Brian with such intense desire and something else, something soft and warm, that Brian's heart actually skipped a beat, and he stopped breathing.

Brian swallowed hard and said, as calmly as possible, "You never said what you and your mystery man did in your dreams."

Justin's eyes darkened with lust. He looked at the man hungrily and replied, his voice husky, "I can show you."

A moment later, Justin was in his arms, kissing him like tomorrow would never come.


	9. Later

Justin was lying on top of the man, kissing him passionately as the man squeezed his ass, grinding against him. Suddenly, the phone rang. The man groaned and sat up, pulling Justin with him, rearranging him until he was straddling the man. He sighed and then picked up the phone.

The man growled, "This better be good!"

Justin couldn't help but smile. He liked the fact that the man was so reticent to end their heavy petting.

"It's Daphne!"

She was breathless.

Brian asked anxiously, "What's wrong?"

Daphne took a second to catch her breath and replied, "Justin's mom is on her way. Justin was supposed to be with me, and, when she discovered he wasn't, she went on a rampage. She assumed he'd managed to find you."

Brian closed his eyes and muttered, "Fuck." Then he ran his hand over his face.

He inquired, "Where are you?"

"Downstairs."

Brian sighed. "Okay. Well, you might as well go all the way."

Daphne asked in confusion, "Huh?"

Brian chuckled. Not exactly quick on the uptake sometimes, but, still, she was a great friend to Justin.

"Oh wait, is he right there?"

"You got it."

"So…I should come up?"

"Yeah. We'll work it out."

"Okay."

Brian set the phone down and looked at Justin. He was staring at him quizzically.

He asked, concern and confusion evident in his voice, "Is something wrong?"

Brian sighed. "Not really. That was Cynthia, my assistant. She just called to remind me about something for work tomorrow."

Justin breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew. I thought you might need to rush off somewhere."

Brian smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "No, not me."

Suddenly, someone started pounding on the door. Justin looked over his shoulder nervously.

He said, "It's kind of late for visitors. Are you expecting someone?"

Brian shook his head slowly and slid Justin off his lap. He walked over to the door quickly and slid it open. He feigned surprise and turned to look at Justin.

He informed him, "It's your friend."

Justin was shocked and confused. How had she found him? He jumped up and threw on his jeans. Then, he walked over to the door and asked, "Daphne, what are you doing here? How did you even know where I was?"

Daphne looked scared. She wasn't good at lying, which was why they were in this situation in the first place.

Brian shook his head and suggested, "I imagine that she followed us from Liberty. I can't really blame her. I could have been a wacko."

Brian stared at Daphne, imploring her with his eyes to confirm what he had just said.

She smiled uncomfortably. "Oh yeah. I was worried, so I followed you. Then I went home for a while, but your mom called and my mom answered. She told her you weren't there before I could get to the phone. So we have to go back now. She's flipping out!"

Justin ran his fingers through his hair. "Fuck!" This was so humiliating.

He blushed as he explained, "I was recently in an accident. I was hurt really bad. I even needed surgery, so my mom's been a little overprotective lately."

Brian nodded. "Sounds like she cares about you. Can't blame her for that."

Justin relaxed. "Yeah…I know, but, still, she's driving me crazy."

"Well, you'd better finish dressing."

Justin sighed. "Yeah."

Brian looked back at Daphne. "Daphne, was it?"

Daphne smiled brightly. "Yes."

"Why don't you wait in the car? I'll send him down in a minute."

She giggled and turned to leave.

Brian sighed. He wished they'd had more time. He knew it was probably paranoia, but he couldn't help thinking that if he let Justin go now, he'd never see him again. He walked over to his desk, picked up a card, wrote something on the back, and, then, headed over to Justin.

Justin was ready to go. The man walked over to him, grabbed his hand, and pulled him slowly toward the door. As he let go of Justin's hand, he slipped the card into it.

Smiling brightly, Justin asked, "What's this?"

The man drawled, "Well, Kitten, you do want to see the man of your dreams again, don't you?"

Justin nodded furiously.

"That's my business card. I put the address here on the back. Why don't you come over tomorrow evening? Or, I guess, it would be this evening since it's after midnight."

Justin asked excitedly, "Really?"

The man leaned in, kissed his lips gently, and purred, "We aren't done. Not even close."

Justin kissed the man passionately, pulled away slowly, and sighed softly.

He whispered, "Later."

"Later, Kitten."

Justin turned and left, hugging the card to his chest. Then, he looked at it and read aloud, though softly, "Brian, Brian Kinney."

Brian watched the boy until he passed the first landing on the stairs. Then, he went back inside to wait for Mrs. Taylor.


	10. The Lies We Tell

Brian didn't know what he would say to Mrs. Taylor when she stormed in, and he was sure she would. He sighed, threw himself onto his couch, and reached out for his tumbler of scotch. He drank it down in one gulp. He wasn't the type to lie, not for anyone's convenience, not even his own. He'd made exceptions for some people, often touting, "It's not lying if they make you lie." But he'd never applied that to himself before.

Of course, being forthright had only brought he and Justin trouble. Justin had been discriminated against by St. James Academy teachers and administrators, tormented mercilessly at school by other students, and nearly killed by Chris Hobbs, Brian had been attacked by Justin's father twice, and Justin's father had even hit Justin. If Brian told Justin's mother that he'd seen Justin that night, she'd move heaven and earth to keep them apart. In the end, she hadn't cared that Justin loved Brian, that Brian had never lied to her, or that Brian had been concerned with Justin's happiness and well-being when Justin's own father wasn't. She'd effectively erased Brian from Justin's life. She'd removed all physical evidence of his existence…every trace and cut everyone else out of the boy's life to make sure he never remembered Brian.

Just thinking about it infuriated him. He could understand her wanting him gone, but what she was willing to eliminate to make that a reality…Justin's art…Justin's friends…did she even know her son at all?

"Fuck that!" he thought. "She's playing dirty, claiming to do what she thinks is best for Justin, but not what he's told her he wants, what makes him happy. But I can play dirty, too. I gave dirty knew meaning."

He dressed quickly and poured himself another scotch, gulping the second as quickly as he had the first.

Just then, he heard pounding.

He walked over to the door, but didn't answer right away. He waited a couple of minutes and then slid it open. He feigned surprise, and, in a fake cheery tone, he greeted her. "Mrs. Taylor. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

She pushed past him and screeched, "Where is he? Where's my son?"

Brian sighed and replied, "Not here. You made sure of that."

She hissed as she walked around the loft frantically, "He was supposed to be with Daphne, but, according to her mother, he isn't there. So where is he?" She peered into the bathroom, and, not seeing him, she stomped back over to Brian.

She demanded, "Was he here?"

When he didn't respond, she added, "You owe me the truth."

He looked at her incredulously. He spat, "I owe you…what do I owe you for? What favor or kindness have you ever done me?"

Jennifer said nothing. She simply straightened her back and lifted her chin.

"You wanted to look around…you've seen that Justin's not here. Now, you can leave."

She huffed. "You know you're not good for him. This (she waved her arms)…all this…your world…is what got him hurt. What nearly killed him."

Brian flinched and looked down. He sighed. But then, he remembered the look in Justin's eyes as he approached him in the alley that night, as though drawn by some inner force, and the smiles…all the bright smiles Brian had inspired. His resolve stiffened; he looked back up, met her cold stare, and stated evenly, "I and my world are what made him happy. Love, art, his friends…that's who Justin is. You took all that from him, didn't you? I know you told everyone to steer clear. I'm guessing that you had to abscond with all his artwork, too, as that might have helped him remember."

Jennifer didn't say a word, but she looked down.

Brian continued, "He'll never know what he can achieve because his hand isn't 100%, and you hid all the proof. Is that your taking care of him? How can he fight to get back what he never knows he had? I may be the scum of the earth in your book, but, in the end, which of us truly has his well-being at heart?"

Jennifer looked back up and glared at him.

Brian slid the loft door open. Then he walked away, toward the bedroom. Jennifer stared after him in shock and outrage, but then scurried away, slamming the door closed.

***************

Justin picked up the phone and set it down. That was the fifth time he'd done that. He bit his lip and picked it up again. This time he started dialing one of the numbers on the card Brian had given him. He let it ring once and then slammed the phone down.

He swore, "Fuck!"

He cursed his cowardice. His heart was beating so fast. But it nearly leapt out of his chest when the phone rang. What the hell was he afraid of? It was probably just Daphne. In fact, this late, it couldn't be anyone else. He smiled and picked up the phone.

Without even saying hello, he asked, "Dying to hear all the juicy details?"

Justin nearly lost consciousness when he heard a warm sexy voice, a warm sexy _male_ voice answer, "Yes, Kitten, I do. Were you stroking yourself as you imagined my warm wet mouth on your cock? Or were you fingering your hole as you remembered riding me?"

Justin was having trouble breathing, and he felt a little dizzy. He couldn't speak.

Brian drawled, "Kitten…"

Finally, Justin managed to reply, "Hi Brian. I'm sorry. I was expecting it to be Daphne."

"Are you disappointed?"

"No! No. Just surprised. How do you even have my number?"

"I have caller id."

Justin closed his eyes and let his head drop. He inwardly cursed himself.

"Oh…I…"

"You what, Kitten? Was your warm milk about to burn?"

Justin laughed. Then he decided to bite the bullet and be honest. "No. I was just a little nervous about calling so soon…but I wanted to find out how things went…did my mother show up?"

Brian asked carefully, "She didn't say anything to you?"

Justin replied, "No…she just said she was tired and went to bed. So what happened?"

Brian answered, "She did come. Lovely woman. Very polite. I let her look around, and she left when she didn't find you."

Justin breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad nothing bad happened, that she was nice to you."

Brian laughed. "I'm a big boy, Justin. I think I could have handled her yelling at me."

Justin blushed a little and stammered, "Well…yeah, I mean, of course, you could. I just…I'm just glad everything worked out okay."

Brian drawled, "So, Kitten, are you looking forward to tomorrow evening?"

Justin smiled brightly. "Yes!"

A moment later, Justin looked up in alarm. "Oh wait, you never said when I should come by."

Brian replied, "Early. I want to have you to myself all night…no interruptions."

Justin giggled in excitement. "Sounds good to me. Umm…how about 6pm? Will you be done with work by then?"

Brian replied, "I certainly could be."

Justin suggested enthusiastically, "Okay. Let's meet at 6pm then."

Brian agreed, his voice low and husky with desire, "I can't wait, Kitten. Well, I'd better let you get your beauty sleep."

Justin whispered, "Okay. Later…"

Brian whispered back, "Later…"

Suddenly, Brian added, "Don't forget to dream about me, Kitten…" and then hung up.

Justin smiled brightly and giggled as he fell back onto the bed. He fell asleep hugging the card Brian had given him to his chest.

***************

Justin pushed Daphne into his room and quickly shut the door.

Daphne asked curiously, "So where's the fire? You said it was an emergency."

He whispered urgently, "It is! Brian asked me over tonight, and I have no idea what to wear."

Daphne laughed. "_That's_ the emergency?"

Justin hissed, "Yes! I've been through my entire wardrobe! I have nothing to wear!"

She smiled. "You'll probably be naked the whole time…why does it matter?"

Justin pleaded, "Daphne…Be serious! Please!"

"Okay, okay. Calm down. We'll find something. Wait…"

Daphne looked at Justin curiously and asked, "He actually asked you to come over tonight?"

Justin's eyes widened. In a mock-hurt voice, he asked, "Why so surprised? Am I that much of a troll?"

Daphne reassured him, "Of course not! It's just…well, he doesn't look like the repeats type…"

Justin blushed and agreed softly, "Yeah. I know. He looks like a player, doesn't he? But he was so sweet. I told him I was a virgin, and he let me take the lead."

Daphne's eyes grew as wide as saucers. "He let you fuck him?"

Justin blushed and laughed, "No. No. I mean, I don't know if he would have let me. I didn't suggest it. I just meant that he…"

Justin's eyes lit up as he thought back. He continued in an even softer voice and looked off into space, "He reminded me that I'd told him that I wanted him, lay down on the bed naked, and said, 'Well, here I am. Do what you will.'" He giggled and looked down.

Daphne pushed him down on the bed and started poking him as she prodded, "So…what did you do? Did you suck on his ginormous cock? Or were you brave enough to brush yours against his lips and bat your eyelashes sweetly?"

Justin exclaimed, "Daphne!"

She continued, "Or did you wiggle your cute ass in his face, hoping he'd rim you and then fuck you senseless?"

Justin looked confused. He asked, "Rim me? What does that even mean?"

Daphne closed her eyes tight. She'd forgotten that he didn't know she'd spent the last year learning all about gay sex as Brian initiated him into the 'mysteries.'

Justin nudged her. He teased, "Daphne, have you been watching porn?"

Daphne opened her eyes and blushed a little. "Great," she thought, "Now, I have to pretend to have a porn fetish."

She took a deep breath and declared, "Yes. Well, I mean, I've been reading it. Online. I hated being a naïve virgin."

Justin nodded his head slowly. "Oh…wow. So what is rimming?"

Daphne laughed softly and blushed even more deeply. "Uh…it's where one person…"

She looked down. She just couldn't explain this with him staring at her. She continued, "Where one person licks another person's crack…hence the name. Well, and other nearby areas…even sometimes pushing his or her tongue inside…"

Justin's eyes widened. "Oh God! I don't think I could ever ask him to do that to me!"

He paused, his eyes losing focus. A couple minutes later, he asked shyly, his voice a near whisper, "Do you think he would like me to do that to him?"

Daphne laughed and replied, "I'm betting he would. So…what did you two end up doing?"

Justin blushed a deep crimson and answered shyly, "Uh…well, we kissed for a long time…and I put his hand on my, well, you know. He, uh, started jerking me off, but, at the end, he put it in his mouth…It was incredible."

Astonished, Daphne asked, "You were alone with a naked hottie…no, a naked Adonis…and you only kissed and let him jerk you off? You might as well have been with someone from school!"

Justin huffed. "That wasn't _all_ we did. And no it could not have been someone from school. The way he kisses…that alone gets me so close. Fucking amazing!"

Daphne teased, "Ooo…so what else?"

Justin shook his head. "You'll never believe it. I did it, and even I'm having trouble believing it…"

Daphne ran over and started tickling him. "Tell me, tell me…."

In between giggles, he sputtered, "I…I actually…actually…rode him."

That got her attention. She stopped her assault and gaped at him. "You did that for your first time?"

Justin nodded, still a bright red.

She exclaimed, "Wow! You go!"

He shook his head. "I made him close his eyes for a while though…I knew I couldn't do it otherwise…"

Daphne laughed. "You are a complete dork!"

Suddenly, Justin's eyes widened, a look of horror on his face. "Fuck! It's already 5pm, and we haven't found anything for me to wear!"

***************

Daphne and Justin had eventually decided on tight black jeans and a bright red velour pullover…with a v-neck and long sleeves. Justin was so nervous. Daphne had dropped him off and promised to stay at a friend's house so that Justin's mom couldn't get ahold of her. Justin had managed to convince his mom that Daphne's mom had simply not known he was there, and he told her that he and Daphne were going to visit a friend of Daphne's who was already in college. She was so excited at the prospect of him meeting more people his own age, she hoped a nice girl, that Justin had to laugh. If she only knew that he was about to meet an older man, a man who was probably going to fuck Justin senseless (Justin hoped many, many times)…He trembled at the thought. He pulled the backpack strap tighter on his shoulder, took a deep breath, and pressed the buzzer.


	11. The New Brian

Brian wasn't sure how to handle Justin's visit that night. Should they do what they would have done before the bashing and simply fuck all night? Or should Brian attempt to make the evening into a date? If he decided on the latter, he had no idea where to start. He was torn. On the one hand, he didn't want their relationship to progress the same way it had the last time. On the other, he wasn't exactly sure what had made the boy fall for and remain in love with him, so he was a little nervous about making changes. What if he made changes, and they actually caused the boy to fall out of love with him? Brian groaned. He had to press forward, as uncomfortable and nervous as it might make him. Justin had changed Brian, and, now, for better or worse, they couldn't go back.

The question was, how should they move forward? Brian spent an hour online perusing dating Web sites for ideas. Most were insanely ridiculous. He was not about to take Justin to the zoo (how old were the people the authors dated? Five?) or suggest that they participate in a "volunteer activity" together. He laughed out loud as he imagined himself at a soup kitchen in Armani surrounded by filthy smelly homeless people and wearing a hair net. No fucking way! However, some of the ideas weren't too awful. He finally settled on their eating a home-cooked meal together and watching a DVD and/or playing some kind of game (though it would need to be of the "strip" variety). To create the appropriate atmosphere for a romantic slow dance or two, he might also buy a CD and some candles (just thinking about owning, let alone using, candles made him shudder).

*******

Justin, clad in tight black jeans and a bright red velour pullover, with a v-neck and long sleeves, pressed the buzzer, trembling a bit as he did so.

Brian guessed that it was Justin, so he responded to the ring with a sultry "Hello, Kitten. You're right on time. Come on up."

Justin smiled brightly and entered the building.

Brian had opted to wear a royal blue satin button-down shirt (the top three buttons undone) with faded light blue jeans, and, of course, no shoes or socks. He finished giving his hair a freshly fucked look, grabbed something off the counter, and walked over to the door. He wondered if he should wait for the boy to knock. He decided against this, sliding the door open and leaning against it so that he was facing the stairs. His arms were hanging down, his hands behind his back. He cleared his throat and tried to appear nonchalant, but, when Justin finally emerged from the stairwell, Brian started a bit before regaining his composure.

Justin's breath caught in his throat when his eyes lighted on Brian. Justin thought he looked so incredibly sexy, leaning against the door coolly. He had a small smile on his lips, but his eyes were serious.

Justin closed the distance between them quickly and offered a soft (and a little shy), "Hi."

Brian reached out with both arms and pulled Justin to him, kissing him gently on the lips before thrusting his tongue in the boy's mouth and kissing him deeply. They pulled back slowly a minute later, both breathless and flushed. Brian moved his right hand between them and surprised Justin by caressing his cheek with what he'd been holding in his hand.

Justin smiled brightly and exclaimed, "Oh! A rose!"

A red thornless rose, to be exact.

Then, he breathed, "It's beautiful" and took it from Brian.

Brian studied Justin's face carefully, on the lookout for any sign that the boy's opinion of him had changed, good or bad. He seemed a little shocked but genuinely happy. Brian was very tempted to slip back into his comfort zone, that is, doing a strip tease on his way to the bed and fucking Justin senseless. Brian took a deep breath. No. He'd press on. The one thing no one could ever accuse him of being was a scared little faggot, not in any situation.

So he took the boy's hand and pulled him inside, asking, "Are you hungry?"

Brian was sure that this part of the 'date' would go over well. The boy was as much a slut for food as he was for sex (with Brian, anyway).

Justin's eyes widened a bit (Brian chuckled inwardly. He guessed that that was the last thing Justin was expecting, well, unless what was on the menu was a high-protein snack), but, then, he smiled.

He replied enthusiastically, "Actually, yeah. I could definitely eat."

Brian said en route to the kitchen, "The chicken is almost done. I just need to put together the appetizer and the salad. But that won't take long."

Justin sat at the counter, watching as Brian sliced cantaloupe. Justin put the flower Brian had given him up to his nose to take in its delicate aroma. He couldn't help but think that this man was full of surprises. Never in a million years would he have expected a rose and a home-cooked meal. Yet despite these romantic touches, the man still exuded sex, confidence, and depth.

Suddenly, Justin felt something soft and cool against his lips. He looked up to see Brian running a piece of cantaloupe (maybe 3 or 4 inches long) lightly against them. Brian drawled, "Open up, Kitten."

Justin did, and Brian slid the fruit inside the boy's mouth, his eyes darkening with desire as he watched the boy's plump lips sliding along its length. Brian's sexy voice, coupled with the lust in his eyes, caused a wave of heat to pass through Justin's body. If Brian kept on this way, dinner would be torture. Justin might just end up ravishing the man. His face was flushed just thinking about it.

Brian raised an eyebrow and asked, "What has you all hot and bothered, Kitten?"

Justin replied softly, "You."

That went right to Brian's cock. He wasn't sure how long he could hold off fucking the boy. He was already incredibly hard.

Brian never, never, cooked, so he was a little out of his element. Truth be told, he would probably spend the entire evening feeling like a fish out of water. However, he knew how to sell. Appearance was everything. So he'd decided to make prosciutto and cantaloupe appetizers, baked chicken that he'd marinated in orange, lemon, and pineapple juice, and a salad (romaine lettuce, baby spinach, cranberries, walnuts, and raspberries with raspberry vinaigrette dressing). Simple but attractive and (he hoped) tasty. The appetizers made, Justin was setting the table while Brian finished the salad. Once Brian had, he turned to watch Justin reaching for plates in a tall cupboard. For a moment, he simply admired the boy's ass, but, then, he realized that he was having trouble. He chuckled.

Brian said, "Here, let me help."

He walked up behind the boy, standing as close as possible, reached up over him for the plates, and set them on the counter. Then, Brian slid his arms around him and placed a few open-mouthed kisses on his neck. In response, Justin leaned his head back on Brian's shoulder, rubbed his ass against Brian's very obvious erection, and moaned softly. Brian looked down at Justin's face. His eyes were closed, his face flushed, and his mouth open slightly. Irresistible. Brian's resolve was almost non-existent at this point, but, somehow, he managed to kiss Justin's soft (luscious) lips chastely and push the boy away from him, though gently.

Brian turned around quickly, regulated his breathing with sheer willpower, and said as evenly as possible, "I'd better check on the chicken. Why don't you put the plates on the table and have a seat on the couch? I'll bring out the appetizers."

Justin was confused and a little hurt. Why had Brian pushed him away? The man clearly wanted him. He'd felt his erection pressing against him. Justin placed the plates on the table and then sat down on the couch. Brian soon followed with the appetizers and two glasses of white wine. He sat down next to Justin, set everything on the table, and placed his arm around Justin's shoulder. Then, he took one of the prosciutto and cantaloupe appetizers and held it up to the boy's mouth, smiling and tilting his head as he did so.

He drawled, "Open up, Kitten"

Justin smiled brightly (he loved Brian's pet name for him) and opened his mouth, allowing Brian to feed him. After he finished chewing and swallowing, Justin exclaimed, "Mmm. Those are delicious!"

Brian looked at Justin curiously and then leaned in, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss that left them both breathless. Afterward, Brian asserted, "I agree. Delicious," but he was staring at Justin's lips as he said it. The boy blushed prettily. Brian continued to feed him appetizers, kissing him each time as before. Just when Justin thought he could take no more and was a hair's breadth from straddling the man or freeing the man's cock and sucking him off, the oven buzzer sounded.

Brian stood up quickly. He said, "Looks like it's dinnertime."

He couldn't have been more relieved. He had been seconds away from flipping the boy over and fucking him into tomorrow.

As Brian served dinner, he thought he saw resolve and a naughty glint in Justin's eyes very reminiscent of looks the boy had given him many times over the last year. Before the bashing. Before he'd almost died. Before he'd forgotten about Brian's very existence. The look both filled him with happiness and nearly overwhelmed him with sadness. His chest ached as he allowed himself to indulge in a way that he hadn't since that first night in the hospital, remembering their many good times. Brian turned away quickly and blinked a few times. Then he sat down and smiled. He was going to enjoy watching the boy come into his own again. He refused to let maudlin thoughts ruin what good times were ahead of them, for that may be all they had left.

Justin then set about torturing him. He ate the salad with his fingers, dunking (one at a time) the raspberries, cranberries, walnuts, and lettuce in dressing and licking it off before placing them in his mouth. Finally, as the naughty pièce de résistance, he'd lick off the dressing that had dripped onto his fingers, even going so far as drawing his fingers into his mouth and sucking on them gently. Brian had no idea how he managed to eat, for he had his eyes trained on Justin the entire time. As they were clearing the table, Justin accidentally on purpose bumped into Brian, rubbing his ass against the man's, by now, painfully erect cock. When Brian unwittingly let out a soft growl, Justin winked at him. Suddenly, Brian grabbed the boy and pushed him against a pillar. Justin quirked an eyebrow and licked his lips. Now they were getting somewhere, the boy thought.

Brian was about to ravish the boy, when he was struck by the memory of Justin looking just like this (so many times) what seemed like an eternity ago. In the early part of their relationship or whatever, Justin needed to drive Brian wild to get his attention, to keep it focused on him, if only for a little while. Brian didn't want to go back to that. He looked down at the floor and rolled his lips into his mouth.

Justin was baffled. For the second time that night, despite the fact that Brian clearly wanted him, he hesitated to fuck him.

In a small voice, Justin asked, "Don't you want me?"

Brian snapped his head up, and their eyes met. Justin was startled by the intensity of Brian's eyes. They contained the most profound hunger, the deepest lust. Here was the predator Justin had encountered last night in that alley.

Brian replied, "Justin, you said you believed I was the man from your dreams, that we were fated to be together…"

Justin nodded slowly, not understanding.

Brian was not the type to wear his heart on his sleeve or to make emotional declarations. In fact, the thought of 'sharing' made him a little ill, but he needed to do something. Somehow, despite his efforts to the contrary, Brian and Justin's relationship seemed to be proceeding as it had before. For a moment, he wondered if this type of relationship was all he and Justin were capable of having. However, he immediately rejected that possibility. No. Fuck that! He would simply need to take more extreme measures. So after a deep breath, he dove in head first, hoping that his desire for more would not wreck everything.

He asked carefully, "Do you remember when I said last night that I thought our meeting was fated?"

Justin stiffened, both excited and frightened by this turn in their conversation. He was so afraid that Brian would take back what he'd said, that Brian hadn't really meant it. Yet some part of him was certain that Brian wasn't the kind of man who would say something he didn't mean. He replied softly, "Yes."

Brian felt a twinge of guilt about not telling Justin the truth of their past, but he'd already made the choice to lie, so he suppressed the guilt and continued, "Well, I also believe that we are meant to be much more than temporary (he shuddered, but imperceptibly) lovers."

Justin's eyes widened. Incredulous, he breathed, "You do?"

With a much clearer conscience, since this was true of their first meeting, Brian added, his voice husky, "The moment I saw you, I knew, _I knew_, you were special, that you would change my life."

Justin started to tremble. He was speechless.

Brian stared into crystal blue depths with an intensity that took Justin's breath away and caressed the boy's face tenderly. He confessed, "As much as I've wanted to fuck you senseless since you walked through the door, I thought, I don't know, that we could enjoy each other's company for a while before we got to the fucking."

Brian had the urge to point and laugh at himself. He had difficulty believing what was coming out of his mouth but only when he thought of himself as Brian Kinney, Brian-Fucking-Kinney. When he didn't consider what the gang, nameless faceless people on Liberty Avenue, his family, or his coworkers and clients would think…when he divorced himself from the rest of the world, imagining that only he and Justin existed, the words seemed natural, right.

His eyes as wide as saucers, Justin responded in a small voice, "You wanted to…I…" He couldn't express himself coherently to save his life. Instead, he simply moved closer to Brian and kissed his lips gently. Then, looking deep into the man's eyes, he declared softly but firmly, "I would really like that. We have all night."

Brian cleared his throat and walked over to the television. He said, his back turned away from Justin, "So I rented _Just a Question of Love_. The queen behind the counter said that it's a good date movie."

Justin's eyes widened. "You actually asked for a recommendation?"

Brian turned back toward the boy, an unreadable look in his eyes, and nodded.

Justin thought it best to hold back the exclamation that was on the tip of his tongue ('That's so sweet!'). Instead, he responded as casually as he could manage, "Cool." Then, he walked over to the couch, sat down, and picked up the movie case. He exclaimed, "Ooo. A French film."

Brian joined Justin on the couch, his feet up on the coffee table and his arm around Justin. Justin laid his head on Brian's shoulder.

(For those of you who haven't seen _Just a Question of Love_, I'll put the basic plot points in parentheses as they occur. Laurent is a gay university student who has not yet come out to his parents. He lives with Carole, his best friend. They pretend to be involved at family events, which is where they are at the beginning.)

Justin smiled when the protagonist came into view. He exclaimed, "Laurent is cute!"

Studying Justin's expression closely, Brian asked as nonchalantly as possible, "Would you fuck him?"

Justin's eyes widened. He cried out, "No!" But then, he confessed, "I mean, maybe if I'd met him before I started having those dreams. But even when I thought that you weren't…that my dream man wasn't real, I still had eyes only for him…for you."

Brian quirked an eyebrow.

Justin smiled a little shyly. He admitted, "I know it sounds pathetic, but it's true. Last night, I kept looking for my dream man, and, right before I saw you, I despaired of ever finding him. I was about to ask Daph to drive me home because I didn't want anyone else."

Brian prodded, "So if a few hotties had made eyes at you, you would still have gone home?"

The boy nodded. Then he smiled. "But then I spotted you…"

Brian picked up Justin's hand and threaded their fingers together.

Suddenly, Justin said, a little sadly, "I think Carole's in love with Laurent."

Brian agreed, "Undoubtedly. But he's asking for it…playing with his little cousin like that. Women eat that shit up."

Justin chuckled. "Not just women."

(Laurent meets an openly gay man named Cedric. He interns for him at an agronomy lab set up in the man's house, and they fall in love.)

Justin asserted, "Bearded guy (Cedric) is pretty cute, too."

Brian ran his free hand over Justin's groin. He teased, "Bearded guy is _really_ doing it for you, isn't he?

Justin blushed. He replied softly, "No. It's not Cedric who is 'doing it for me.'"

Brian inquired, a look of mock innocence on his face, "Laurent then?"

Justin pinched Brian's nipple, eliciting a yelp, and cried out (in frustration), "No! It's you dumbass!"

Then more softly, "Just being close to you like this…with your arm around me and your hand in mine…turns me on like crazy."

For a couple long moments, Brian fixed Justin with an intense look. Justin's breathing grew ragged, and his face flushed. Abruptly, Brian turned away. He closed his eyes for a moment as he willed his achingly hard cock to soften. Then, he scoffed, "I can't believe they're fucking farmers."

Justin giggled. "They aren't farmers. They're agricultural researchers."

Brian harrumphed. "They play in the dirt. They're fucking farmers."

(Cedric drives Laurent to his other job one night. Once there, he lights Laurent's cigarette, and Laurent caresses Cedric's hand. Cedric doesn't move away. Then, Laurent jumps out of the car.)

Justin cried out, "Aww…a lingering touch…so sweet!"

Brian scoffed. "Sweet, my ass! Cedric just wants to fuck him, and why wouldn't he? Interns are hot!"

Justin grumbled, "You wouldn't say that if he weren't so cute."

Brian drawled, "I'd rather have you for an intern, Kitten."

Justin looked up, peeking at the man. He asked softly, "You would?"

Brian shook his head. "I never knew the reason for all the fuss about blonds before."

Justin inquired, a little nervously, "But now you do?"

Brian stated firmly, "I do."

After waiting for Brian to elaborate (he didn't), Justin asked, "Care to share?"

Brian replied indifferently, "Not really."

Justin started to tickle the man. He prodded, "Come on!"

Brian tried not to laugh, but he couldn't help himself. Justin thought he looked incredibly sexy, a smile on his face, his hazel eyes dancing. Finally, Brian gave in. "Alright, alright. If you're any indication, they're more sensual, and they taste a little sweeter."

Justin blushed and looked down, but he kept sneaking glances at the man.

Brian added, "But you know, what's most attractive about Laurent is that he's shy."

Justin asked incredulously, "You think so?"

Brian nodded. He continued, "Shy men are so responsive."

Justin inquired nervously, "But what happens after they have more experience…when they aren't shy anymore…"

Brian declared, "Nothing. Responsiveness is the cause of shyness, not the other way around. Being acutely aware of surroundings and the feelings, physical and emotional, of both yourself and others."

Justin was speechless. He just gazed at Brian.

(Laurent comes out of work to find that Cedric hasn't left.)

Justin stated, in wonder, "Aww…he waited for him!!!!"

Brian narrowed his eyes. "That's a little weird, isn't it?"

Justin disagreed, "I think it's sweet."

Brian scoffed. "More like pervy. See. A few minutes later they're fucking. Not sweet at all. Just a strange hermited older man wanting to fuck some twink into the mattress."

"That was fast! But that doesn't make it any less sweet. We were fucking within minutes of knowing each other…well, kissing, anyway."

Brian harrumphed. "They hardly compare. You and I are WAY hotter than they are…plus I'm not some freaky agronomist who lives with his mother. I'm in advertising and have a fabulous loft."

Justin smiled. Then, he agreed, "They kiss pretty well, but we're much better."

Brian teased, "Are we now?"

Justin just gaped at Brian.

Brian stated, "It's been so long. Why don't you refresh my memory?"

Justin straddled the man. He nudged his nose gently, traced his lower lip with his tongue, and, then, thrust his tongue inside the man's mouth, kissing him passionately. A minute later, Justin moved back to his original position and smiled naughtily.

Brian's breathing was ragged, and his pants once again felt a little tight. He said nonchalantly, "I guess you're right."

Justin simply shook his head and smiled.

(Cedric's mom walks into the lab to find he and Laurent lying on the floor half naked.)

Justin exclaimed, "I think my mom would freak if she saw me like that! She definitely wouldn't offer you coffee and toast with jam!"

Brian said quietly, "Well, now it's just a matter of time."

Confused, Justin inquired, "What?"

Brian stated matter-of-factly, "They're happy. So now something has to happen that wrecks it."

(After the honeymoon phase, Cedric becomes annoyed that Laurent won't introduce him to his family as his boyfriend, but only as his friend and employer. After a fight at Laurent's family's home (Laurent wants to get busy, but Cedric doesn't want to risk being walked in on), Cedric runs off to Paris, and Laurent sulks in his apartment.)

"See."

Justin suggested, "Well, in the movie, yeah. But it doesn't have to be that way in real life."

Brian quirked an eyebrow.

Justin gaped for a moment, but then asked, "You really don't believe two people who are in love can be happy?"

Brian shrugged. "That's been my experience."

Justin felt a pang in his chest as he wondered who Brian had been in love with before. But he shook it off and stated confidently, "Well, I'll show you different."

Brian looked at the boy skeptically. "Will you now?"

Justin replied, just as confidently, "Yes."

"And…if something bad happens over which you have no control? What then?"

"I'll fix whatever was broken."

"And if you can't? If it's not in your power?"

"Well, then, I guess I'll have to trust that you'll fix what's broken."

"And if I can't?"

"If I can't, you'll be able to. Love is like that. One person compensates for the other."

"Really? And how can you be sure?"

"Because love, if it's real, won't be denied. Not for long."

"And how do you know that?"

Justin shrugged. "I just do."

Brian stared at the boy for a long moment before turning back to the movie.

(Cedric's mother eventually outs Laurent because she wants the two men to be happy. She can't stand seeing them at odds. Laurent's father then tells Laurent that he never wants to see him again, though his mother has more difficulty writing him off).

Justin exclaimed. "I can't believe Cedric's mom outed Laurent!"

Brian shrugged. "Well, she wants them to be happy."

"But still…"

Brian's eyes lost focus, and he stated softly, "It must be nice to have a mother who loves her son enough to do that."

Justin studied Brian curiously, but said nothing.

(Laurent gets drunk and crawls into bed with Carole. They don't actually have sex.)

Justin's eyes widened when he saw the first naked breast. He cried out, "Oh God! What is he doing?"

He took a dive into Brian's chest. He whispered, "Tell me when the scary part is over."

Brian ran his fingers through Justin's hair for a moment but, then, decided he'd play with the boy.

When Laurent pulled away (and all of Carole's charms could be seen), he declared with a smirk, "All clear."

Justin raised his head. When he saw Carole naked and Laurent moving in for some loving, he cried out, "Brian!" and then pinched the man's nipple again. He laughed and cried out, "You think that was funny?" in between pinches.

Brian alternately yelped and laughed and then flipped the boy over and grabbed his hands, holding them against the couch. Suddenly, they both stopped laughing. They just gazed into each other's eyes. Slowly, Brian leaned down and kissed Justin's lips tenderly. Then, he pulled back and continued to gaze into the boy's eyes. Justin looked back up at him, his face flushed, his eyes displaying both fear and something else, something soft and warm. Brian desperately wanted to believe that that something else was love, the love he'd seen in the boy's eyes the night of his prom. Just the thought caused his chest to constrict and tears to threaten to fall.

Brian let Justin's hands go and stood up slowly. Justin just lay there watching the man. He wasn't exactly certain what had happened, but he knew that he and Brian had connected. This had happened quite a few times already, but, somehow, this time was different. Deeper. He didn't want to let Brian back off, but he wasn't sure what to do, and he couldn't deny that the sudden intimacy was a little frightening, as though Brian could read his every thought and feeling, see right through him. So he sat up slowly, though he continued to watch Brian.

Brian returned with a couple bottles of water. He handed one to Justin with a soft smile, but he was still not quite with the boy.

(Cedric's mother lures Cedric back home with talk of tests her doctor wants to run. By now, Laurent has arranged for a transfer to a school in Paris (to get away from everyone). Cedric drives him to the train station, but, on the way, Laurent breaks down in tears, and Cedric embraces him. They then go to Laurent's family's home, where he tells his parents to take him as he is, that he didn't ask to be gay, but that he loves Cedric and can't stop. He tells his father, "It's not a question of gay or straight; it's just a question of love." The father asks for more time to come to terms with Laurent's orientation.)

Brian and Justin watched the rest of the movie in silence. Night had fallen, so the loft was dark and quieter now that the world had slowed, started to retire. As Brian shut the television off, Justin walked over to the window and breathed, without even really being conscious of it, "It's just a question of love."

Hearing this, Brian turned to find Justin staring vacantly out the window at the city lights. He rolled his lips into his mouth, lit some candles, turned on some soft music, and, said, "Justin."

When Justin turned around, Brian smiled softly, reached out his hand, and stated, in almost a whisper, "Dance with me."

Justin swallowed hard, but then smiled brightly and took Brian's hand.

Brian pulled Justin against him and slid both hands around the boy's waist. Justin placed his arms around Brian's neck, and they started moving slowly in elliptical circles. Brian pressed his forehead against Justin's and then nudged his nose gently. Justin's breathing grew ragged. Being so close to Brian had awakened desire that was barely under the surface. Try as he might, he couldn't keep it at bay. He licked his lips slowly and lifted his head up until his eyes met Brian's. They burned like dark embers. Brian held the boy's gaze for several long moments, their mouths a mere inch apart.

Suddenly, Brian pulled his head back. His voice a little unsteady, he said, "So Kitten, tell me something about yourself."

Justin blinked and looked up at Brian. He asked softly, "What?"

Brian chuckled and repeated, "Tell me something about yourself."

Justin replied, "Oh…um…what do you want to know?"

Brian shrugged. "Whatever you want to tell me."

Justin narrowed his eyes and smiled. "Okay…but only if you do the same. Tit for tat."

Normally, Brian was reticent to share details about himself, but he actually wanted Justin to know him again. In the weeks since the bashing, Brian had become painfully aware of how much he'd liked being visible. To Justin anyway. He'd never thought anyone would be able to truly understand him, and, over the years, he'd convinced himself that he didn't want anyone to…but, then, Justin came along. He couldn't even express how it felt to have someone understand everything with just a look. Justin had always had an uncanny intuition about Brian (one that Brian was certain the boy still had, suppressed though it might be by the self-doubt caused by the bashing), and, with time and experience, Justin had expanded that intuition into something akin to telepathy. At first, Brian had hated feeling so exposed, so, after that first night, he'd avoided the boy. But without his even realizing it, he'd slowly started drawing strength from the knowledge that whatever appearances might suggest, whatever he might say, someone always knew better. When Brian started one of his many internal downward spirals into self-loathing and depression, not those that spilled over into his behavior during times of extreme trauma, but the more frequent and more subtle shifts in his emotional state, Justin could pull him out with a look and a smile or a few words and a touch. At such times, no one else even noticed. But no one else mattered. Without Brian's even realizing it, the boy had become a haven; he'd become home for Brian. Since the bashing, Brian had felt desperately homesick. For the first time in his life.

Brian pretended to be thinking it over, and, after a reasonable amount of time had passed, he nodded. "Okay."

Justin smiled shyly and confessed, "I like to draw. I'm not sure why I don't have any drawings from before my accident; (Justin wrinkled his forehead) I'm pretty sure that I always liked to draw. But…um…I haven't told anyone that I've been drawing since I was in the hospital. For some reason, my mom's a little weird about art these days, which is especially baffling because she used to love it. I can remember her and I going to galleries together and her buying me sketch pads and special pencils."

He stared off into space for a moment, but then shook his head and laughed. He declared brightly, "Your turn."

Brian wasn't sure what he should tell him. He was thinking about it when Justin broke the silence. He said hesitantly, "Actually, I have a question, something I'm dying to know…"

Brian responded calmly, though he was anything but, "Shoot."

Justin swallowed hard. Then, he asked, "You said before that…that it's been your experience that two people who are in love can't be happy, and I was just wondering who you'd been in love with before…"

Freaked out, but happy (at the hint that the old Justin was still in there), Brian thought with an inward chuckle, "Leave it to Justin to cut right to the chase. What the fuck can I tell him without lying or telling the whole truth?"

Justin was studying Brian, waiting for his answer a little impatiently.

Brian pulled away suddenly. He was trapped. Any answer but the whole truth was a lie, a lie that would hurt Justin. A lie Brian couldn't make himself utter. He couldn't say he'd never been in love. It was bad enough that it had been unwritten as far as Justin was concerned. But he couldn't say he'd been in love with someone else, either.

Justin offered, "If it's too painful to talk about…you don't have to answer."

Justin was so right and so wrong. Brian swung around. "No. I have to. It was you, Kitten. It was you."

Justin paled as his eyes widened. "Me?"


	12. The Truth

Brian rolled his lips into his mouth, as he contemplated how he should answer. In the moment, telling Justin the truth seemed to be the only real option. In the moment, it had seemed right. The question was, now what?

He set his jaw and nodded. Softly, he said, "Yes, you."

Justin shook his head in disbelief. He trusted this man implicitly, though he had no idea why. His impulse was to believe him, but how was such a thing possible?

He asked, his voice tremulous, "Was I in love with you?" Justin couldn't see how he wouldn't be, but he needed to hear Brian confirm it.

Brian looked down and took a deep breath. That question shouldn't make him feel so desolate. But it just reminded him of his responses to Justin's declarations.

He lifted his head until his eyes met Justin's. He stated simply, "Yes."

Justin furrowed his brow and asked no one in particular, "How could I not remember something like that? I don't understand…"

He paused for a minute, but then glared at Brian angrily. "If you knew me, if we knew each other, how could you not tell me? I mean, especially if we were in love. The thought of other people knowing more about my life than I do drives me crazy!"

Suddenly, Brian interjected, "Wait!"

Justin looked up in surprise.

Brian replied, "What would you have had me do? These memories don't just involve events, but feelings. How was I supposed to tell you what we shared when you might have had no feelings for me or, at least, not the same ones? Wouldn't that just put extra pressure on you? The more I told you, the guiltier you would feel for not being able to remember (not feeling for me the way 'you should'), which might actually have the effect of blocking you more. Making you less likely to remember."

Justin stared at Brian for a long moment, but then admitted softly, "I hadn't thought of that. I'm sorry."

Brian snapped, "Don't apologize. My motives weren't all that pure."

Justin's eyes widened, and he froze, waiting for Brian to explain.

Brian confessed hesitantly, "I had hoped to (sigh)…I don't know…make a different impression on you. Put our relationship on a new track."

Justin smiled. "Well, if trying to date me was your nefarious plot, I think I can forgive you. I've had a wonderful time so far…"

Brian smiled in spite of himself, but then sighed. "I think we should just let our fate run its course."

Justin stared at Brian in confusion. "I'm not sure I understand."

Brian explained, "Last night, I saw you long before you saw me. I wanted to approach you, but I didn't."

A little hurt, Justin inquired, "Why not?"

Brian could see the pain in Justin's sparkling blue eyes ("How could they still shine like that when he was upset?")

He chuckled. "It's not that I didn't want to, Kitten. I'll admit that I was a little worried you would go home with someone else (he smirked) if only because you didn't see me. But what I wanted most of all was reassurance that we were, are, meant to be together. I've been wondering if you might not be better off with someone else…"

Appalled, Justin looked at Brian sharply. In an accusing tone, he asked, "How can you think that?"

Brian smiled and shook his head. He whispered, "If you knew everything, you might not be so sure."

Justin just shook his head. "It doesn't matter. Whatever I don't know wouldn't change my mind. I don't know how I know, but I am as certain of that as I am of my own name."

Brian looked down and blinked a few times. He wasn't sure he believed Justin, but just hearing the words made his heart swell with happiness. (Brian was making himself a little sick; his thoughts were especially lesbianic these days)

"But against all odds, you picked me out of a crowd, even though I was in a dark alley and you could barely see me. You dreamed of a man very like me every night for weeks. It seems that your subconscious remembers me, since you also knew my name without my telling you."

"What?"

Brian nodded. "Last night, when you were cumming, you cried out my name, but I hadn't told you what it was yet."

"I did?"

"Yup."

Brian added, "You already know everything you need to know. I have to believe that you'll remember on your own."

Justin didn't say a word. He just looked at the floor.

Brian inquired, "Do you trust me?"

Justin looked up, paused, and then nodded.

"Then, why don't we just continue as we were before? Let fate decide what you remember and when."

Justin smiled. He said brightly, "Ok. We'll let fate decide."

Brian cautioned, "But that means not talking about it with anyone else."

Justin laughed. "I know…that would be cheating now, wouldn't it?"


	13. Just Take What You Want

As Justin looked into Brian's eyes, his mind was awhirl with questions. He was dying to ask Brian so many things. But even if he did not, his mind, ever curious, would seek answers. Justin liked the idea of allowing fate to run its course, but doing so would be very difficult, if not impossible. What Justin found particularly unnerving was that he wouldn't own his future experiences. He wouldn't know if what he and Brian were doing was a new experience or something they had done a million times before. Justin needed to take some control. So he stated, "Brian, I can promise not to ask you or anyone else questions about us, but I can't stand the idea of being completely in the dark, especially about something so important."

Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and looked down. Then, he lifted his head until his eyes met Justin's once more and inquired softly, "What are you proposing?"

Justin hesitated for a moment as he contemplated Brian's question. What was he proposing? How could he level the playing field? Suddenly, the answer came to him. Slowly, he suggested, "I know that you don't want to push me to remember by telling me what we've already said and done, but could you promise that whatever we do from now on is something we've never done before? That all our future experiences are really new?"

Brian remained silent for a moment, pondering Justin's request. In a way, that would be telling of their past, indicating what they had not yet done, but Brian could understand why Justin suggested it. Justin might be okay with not knowing what came before, but he clearly needed to know that their future experiences were as they seemed to be, completely new to him, to them. Brian considered it a fitting compromise.

He nodded. "Fair enough."

Doing so would give them what Brian so desperately wanted, a fresh start.

Then Brian added, "Actually, I've been doing that already, that is, trying to change the way our relationship or whatever progressed last time."

Justin asked, "Does that mean that the pet name you gave me is new?"

Brian nodded and swallowed hard. "Yes, Kitten is new since yesterday. Our dating is new, too."

Justin inquired, in as even a tone as possible, "So we never went on dates before?"

Brian's voice broke a little as he replied, "No, we didn't."

But Justin ignored the implications of that fact and just smiled brightly, a million-watt smile. He declared excitedly, "Good! That opens up a lot of opportunities for us to make new memories."

Brian laughed softly. Justin was still hopelessly optimistic. He responded softly, "I suppose it does."

Justin smiled seductively and approached Brian. He nudged Brian's nose gently and asked, "Have we ever fucked on the rooftop?"

Brian couldn't help but smile back. He shook his head. "No."

Justin purred, "Do you want to? It's a beautiful, warm summer night. That would be romantic, wouldn't it?"

Brian smiled. He drawled, "I suppose it would. Sure. Let's go."

Then, he grabbed an extra blanket from the bathroom closet (as well as lube and condoms) and the rest of the bottle of wine. Justin grabbed glasses and followed Brian to the door. Brian looked back at Justin, staring at him for a long moment, but then took his hand and led him out into the hall. He let go to lock up, but took the boy's hand again and actually threaded their fingers together as he led him up the staircase to the roof.

As Brian laid out the blanket and set down the other items he'd brought, Justin looked over the edge of the building at the street below and then up at the starry sky.

He exclaimed happily, "Oh, look! A full moon!"

Brian chuckled. He thought, "Well, I guess I can blame my headlong plummeting into lesbianism on that" as he wrapped his arms around Justin's waist and nuzzled his neck. Brian had never liked doing anything romantic, but he had to admit that he didn't mind the idea of fucking Justin in the warm, fragrant summer air beneath a starry sky and a bright full moon.

He turned Justin around in his arms, kissed his lips gently, and stroked his cheeks softly.

Justin whispered, "Brian, please stop holding back. Just take what you want."

With those words, everything Brian had spent the evening, the past two evenings, suppressing rose to the surface and exploded. He grabbed Justin by the neck and sent his lips crashing down onto Justin's, plunging his tongue into his mouth, plundering it. Dizzy from the intensity of Brian's passion and the rapidity with which it had burst forth, Justin slid his arms around Brian's neck and moaned softly. He just held on and tried to keep up.

Brian brought his hands down to Justin's ass, squeezed it hard, and pulled Justin to him roughly, grinding their erections together. He ran his hands up Justin's back, pulling the boy nearer as he did so, and slid them behind the boy's neck, deepening their kiss. Then, he moved his head down to Justin's neck and starting sucking on it hard right at the pulse point. Justin moaned deeply. Brian pulled away, but just long enough to pull Justin's shirt off and then began sucking on his chest and nipples as he unbuttoned and unzipped Justin's jeans. Then, he pulled them and his underwear down, lifting Justin's feet up in turn to pull them off and tossing his clothes over his shoulder. He ran his hands up and down Justin's thighs and growled low in his throat before deepthroating Justin's hard and leaking cock in one go. Justin gasped and then moaned, "Oh Brian!"

Brian grabbed Justin's ass and pulled him closer so that the tip of Justin's cock entered his throat and swallowed. In response, Justin shivered, and he threaded his fingers into Brian's hair. After Brian had deepthroated Justin a few more times, he stood up fast, startling Justin a bit, and, as soon as their eyes made contact, Brian ripped his shirt open, sending buttons flying. Justin's sparkling blue eyes widened. He was lost in the depths of Brian's hazel eyes, now a dark, dark brown, so dark they were almost black. Brian commanded huskily, "Get on all fours."

Justin moved quickly to comply. Brian finished undressing and was behind Justin in a heartbeat. He pushed Justin down so that he was leaning on his arms, ran his hands along Justin's back, caressed his ass cheeks gently, and then licked a trail from his lower back to his entrance. Justin gasped. Brian smiled. Some things didn't change. Brian started feasting on the boy's ass almost desperately, swirling his tongue over his entrance, tracing it with his tongue, and pushing his tongue inside. Justin cried out the moment Brian's tongue entered him and then started moaning deeply.

Brian couldn't wait any longer. The noises Justin was making had thrown Brian way too close to the edge. He pulled back, quickly sheathed his painfully erect cock and slicked it with lube, and then placed it at Justin's entrance. He grabbed Justin's hips and thrust all the way inside in one go, moaning loudly the moment his cock was fully enveloped. Justin grunted, but mostly out of surprise. For Brian, the feeling of being inside Justin like this was at once wonderfully familiar and painfully distant. It had been weeks, but those weeks spanned a year, maybe an eternity. Brian shut his eyes tight to prevent tears from falling and then lost himself in all the bittersweet pleasures Justin's body had to offer.


	14. I'll Just Take What's Mine and Leave

A/N: You'll learn what's going on with Justin's parents in time, but I should tell you, to prevent confusion, that even though they were selling the house before, after the bashing, they took it off the market.

Unfortunately, Brian'd had to go away on a business trip the day after their moonlight fuck; however, while he'd been gone, they'd been having a great deal of phone sex. And Justin had been busy making some life changes.

Brian was due to return the next day. Now Justin and Daphne were sitting in the park chatting.

Justin declared a little uneasily, "I got a letter from the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts a few days ago. I had no idea I'd even applied, let alone that I'd been accepted. They want me to write back to say whether or not I'm going to attend."

Daphne pretended to be relaxed, asking nonchalantly, "Are you?"

Justin shook his head solemnly. "I don't think I can."

A little more sharply than she intended, Daphne retorted, "Why the hell not?"

Justin was taken aback for a moment, but, then, he chuckled. Daphne worried about him too much. He replied slowly, "Well…I don't know how well I could draw before, but, now, I have so much difficulty controlling my hand. I can't draw for very long before the shaking gets so bad that I can't even draw a straight line. On top of that, the pain is nearly intolerable sometimes. My dad wants me to go to business school. I haven't mentioned art school, but I don't think he'd approve. I doubt he'd pay for me to go."

As calmly as she could manage, Daphne inquired, "So…what does that mean?"

Justin laughed. "Apparently, I had this great, complete life. A boyfriend I loved who loved me. Talent. A dream. And a clue. But now…I have no idea what's going on with my parents. I have no idea why my mom and dad keep acting so strangely around me and around each other. Whatever talent I may have had, it's gone…or somewhat diminished…and I see no evidence of my former ability anywhere around me. No drawings I made before the accident. All the sketch pads and pencils I have now I've bought since. I have no right to go to art school, not the way I am now, and I have no way to fund it, anyway, so I guess it's moot. But of course, I have no desire to go to business school, either. I don't know my history with Brian, although he did say that he was in love with me and that I was in love with him. There's very little in my life that I can hang onto. Very little I can be sure of. I need to take some control back. I'm sick of living someone else's life."

Daphne exclaimed in horror, "Justin, what do you mean? Even though you've forgotten some things, you are still you. It's still your life."

Justin shook his head sadly. "No, Daph. I'm not the same. I may never be the way I was before. And this is most definitely not my life."

Nervously, Daphne asked, "So…what are you proposing?"

So nonchalantly that Daphne was a little scared of what he might do, Justin replied, "I'll just take what's really mine and leave."

Daphne's eyes shot open.

She cried out, "Leave to go where?"

Justin laughed. "Not far. Mostly just out of my parents' dismal house. I can't continue living with ghosts."

Daphne couldn't really blame him.

She looked at Justin uneasily. "So what is it that you consider yours?"

"You and Brian. My new sketch pads. You and I are the same as we ever were. (Daphne smiled at that and breathed a sigh of relief.) What Brian and I were to each other before, I'm not exactly sure. But we 'met' again as though we were strangers, and, even though I know we have a history, we are starting fresh. Brian wants us to become something new. (Justin smiled brightly.) And…I don't know what talent I had before, but I do know that it's gone…or different. I'll just have to begin again, albeit with a disadvantage this time. I'll come back to visit Molly, of course, but everything else…I don't want it."

Justin suddenly frowned.

"I'm not angry at my parents, and I'll still visit, once in a great while, but, in general, I can't stand their company. I don't know what happened to my mother, but she seems like a completely different person. My dad, too. Since when was my mother so quiet…so jaded? She used to love art, but now she acts as though she hates it. I never see her smile anymore. Not really. Just a grotesque imitation of one. When I'm around her, she barely talks to me, and when I ask questions, she pretends she didn't hear me. And my dad. Since when was he so angry? He's always annoyed or pissed off, and he doesn't even look at me when we talk. Instead, he looks at the floor or the wall behind me."

Daphne asked anxiously, "Where will you live? What will you do for money?"

Now Justin was smiling again. "A job, of course. But I have some bonds from my grandma. She gave me one for each of my birthdays for most of my life. They don't amount to much, but certainly enough for a security deposit and first month's rent on an apartment, with a little extra that I can use for food the first month."

"Have you already found an apartment?"

Justin smiled and nodded proudly.

"Where?"

"In a building on Liberty Avenue."

Daphne's eyes widened. "Have you already found a job?"

Justin nodded again.

Anxiously, she inquired, "Where?"

Enthusiastically, he answered, "A small clothing boutique called Torso. I haven't met any of the employees yet, just the owner, but tomorrow I'll be working with someone named Emmett. I know it probably sounds stupid, but I'm so excited. Tomorrow's my first day. The first day for so much. My first day at work. My first day at my new apartment. And…Brian's coming home on an evening flight, so it'll be the first day of our new relationship or whatever."


	15. Brian and Justin Meet Rex and Spike

Emmett was standing in Torso's display case, providing Rex (one of the mannequins; the shorter one with blond hair) with a new 'ensemble.' But he dropped Rex's fabulous new clothes when he happened to glance out the window and see Justin of all people headed his way. Emmett re-entered the store proper and exclaimed, "Baby!" when Justin approached him.

Justin smiled, but confusion was clearly written in his eyes. He said softly, "Pardon?"

Emmett shook his head. He'd heard that Justin had forgotten the last year, had forgotten him, Debbie, Michael, Ted, and, even, Brian, but seeing him like this, that fact really sunk in. He couldn't prevent tears from springing to his eyes, though he managed to keep them from falling.

He laughed and hastily apologized. "I'm sorry. You, you just look a lot like someone I used to know. I take it that you are our new sales associate."

Comfortable now that the undue familiarity had been explained, Justin nodded and smiled more brightly. "My name is Justin. But you can call me Baby if you want. For some reason, I kind of like it."

Emmett blinked a few times. How he'd missed that Sunshine smile! He shook his head in an attempt to clear away all the depressing thoughts that had come out of hiding upon Justin's arrival and took the boy gently by the arm. He smiled and tilted his head. "I'm Emmett, but you can call me Em."

Justin smiled again. "Em. That's a nice name."

Emmett led Justin into the display case and explained, "So I was getting Rex all ready for a hot date…You can help if you like. Afterward, I can show you around the rest of the store."

Justin raised an eyebrow. "Hot date?"

Emmett laughed. Then he covered his mouth and leaned closer, elaborating in a stage whisper, "Rex has the hots for Spike over there (nodding his head in the direction of a tall, muscular mannequin with brown hair), so I'm dolling the poor boy up. Maybe tonight, Spike will notice Rex and put the sweet dear out of his misery."

Justin giggled. He decided that he was going to love his new job.

Later, about thirty minutes before the end of Justin's shift, the bell on the door tinkled gently, drawing both his and Emmett's attention. Who should walk in but Brian. Justin nearly leaped over the counter in his haste to reach the man. He cried out excitedly, "Brian!"

Emmett smiled and softly asked no one in particular, "Now isn't this a familiar sight?"

However, Brian heard the question and shot Emmett a warning look (Justin was oblivious to everything but Brian. He'd missed him like crazy.)

Brian quickly pulled Justin into his arms and kissed his lips gently. But the moment their lips met, Justin thrust his tongue into Brian's mouth and wrapped his arms around the man's neck as he kissed him passionately. Brian kissed him back with equal ardor, even going so far as to slide his hands slowly over Justin's ass and then pull Justin tight against him as he deepened their kiss.

Emmett fanned himself and exclaimed, "Oh my!"

His voice brought Justin back to reality. He hastily broke their kiss and blushed crimson as he turned back to face Emmett. He stammered, "I'm sorry, Em. This is my boyfriend, Brian. He's been gone a week on a business trip. I was just so happy (and surprised) to see him."

Brian inclined his head and stated, "Nice to meet you, Em (he smirked as he said the last syllable)."

Emmett replied sweetly, "Your boyfriend?"

Justin nodded and smiled brightly, a million-watt smile, and Brian met Emmett's questioning gaze, his eyes containing a serious expression. This earnestness threw Emmett off balance.

He flushed and added softly, "A pleasure, Brian."

Then Justin turned back to Brian and asked, "How are you here already? I thought your flight wasn't arriving until 8pm. And how did you know I'd be here?"

As he looked down at Justin, Brian couldn't help but smile softly (a detail Emmett didn't miss). He replied, "I managed to get an early flight. When we touched down, I called your cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail, so I called Daphne. She told me that you had a new job…and (he quirked an eyebrow) a new apartment."

Justin loved the way that sounded. A new job, a new apartment, and Brian. Enthusiastically, he responded, "Yes! I told you that my mom was driving me crazy, and I am eighteen, after all. I needed my own space."

Brian agreed, more gravely than he intended, "No one can blame you for that."

Justin suddenly turned to face Emmett and asked nervously, "Would you mind if I go a little early?"

Emmett shook his head. "Course not, Baby. Close enough."

Justin smiled and started pushing Brian out of the store (though gently), as he called out, "Bye, Em. See you tomorrow."

Emmett waved.

Justin stepped through the door, but then paused and leaned back in. "Wish Rex luck for me."

Emmett smiled softly and nodded. "I will, Baby."

When Justin and Brian were outside, Brian inquired, "Who's Rex?"

Justin answered lightly, "One of the display case mannequins. (he pointed) That one."

Brian huffed a small laugh and drawled, "And he needs luck why?"

Justin stated brightly, "To snag the guy standing across the case from him, of course."

Brian chuckled and repeated, "Of course."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, but then added softly as he took Justin's hand in his and threaded their fingers together, "But, blonds are especially hot. I bet the other one…"

"Spike," Justin supplied.

Brian continued, this time more playfully, "I bet that (Brian suppressed a laugh) Spike already wants him. He's probably just playing it cool."

Justin looked deep into Brian's eyes just then (a look that had Brian swallowing hard) and slowed his pace a bit, asking a little shyly, "You think so?"

Brian held Justin's gaze as he replied, in a serious voice, "No doubt about it…"


	16. So, Wait, When Is the Sex Coming?

A/N: The title is a slight rewording of a Homer Simpson quote (Homer was talking about pancakes...)

Justin asked a little shyly, "So…do you want to see my new place?"

Brian grinned and then looked at Justin like a man stranded in the desert looks at water. "Sure. But it better not be far. It's been too long since I've heard my Kitten purr in person."

Justin blushed and stammered, "It isn't far…"

As the minutes passed, Brian grew increasingly uncomfortable. They were nearing the seedier end of Liberty Avenue. He was pretty sure he would hate Justin's new digs.

Finally, they arrived. Justin turned his attention to unlocking the door. When Brian saw him fumble with the keys, he chuckled. He was pleased that he still had such a profound effect on the boy. But then he looked down at the stoop. He frowned when he saw that parts of it were crumbling. Brian was grateful that the building owner had at least enough sense to keep the downstairs door locked, but he sighed as he took in the panoramic view from the front steps (facing the street). His eyes in turn fell on a liquor store, many empty storefronts, a homeless shelter, and a free clinic. He turned back and looked up. He sighed again. Not the prettiest looking, either. Not even the prettiest on this block. A filthy 5-story brown brick building. When Justin finally opened the door, he took Brian's hand and pulled him inside. Justin was blissfully ignorant of Brian's grim assessment. He smiled brightly as he pulled Brian to the stairwell.

Brian scoffed, "No elevator?"

Justin shrugged. "No. But I don't mind taking the stairs."

The stairs were similar to those one finds in school buildings, only very, very filthy and a little smelly.

Five flights of stairs later, they reached Justin's floor. Brian noted disdainfully that the hallway's thin green carpets had huge holes and stains here and there. When they eventually arrived inside Justin's apartment, Brian took one look, observing the ceiling's many brown patches, presumably from leaks, the barred windows, the peeling floral wallpaper, and the kitchenette with its warped plastic tile floor and stained counters (he didn't even want to see the bathroom), and decided that this was not happening.

Brian plastered a fake smile on his face and clapped his hands together.

"Ok. I've seen enough. Get your things. You can stay with me at the loft."

Justin's eyes widened. "What? No."

Brian just stared at Justin. Defensively, he snapped, "You seriously want to live in this dump?"

"Dump is a little harsh, don't you think?"

"Hell no."

Justin couldn't help but laugh at the expression on Brian's face. He'd never seen grumpier, frownier face in all his life.

Then he looked at Brian with a serious expression. He stated softly, "Look, I know it's not the Ritz, but it's what I can afford. Dump or no, it's mine. I don't want to stay with my parents, and I don't want to stay with you."

Brian just stared at Justin. He'd basically just asked Justin to live with him, and Justin had turned him down. To live in a crappy building in a bad part of town.

Brian repeated incredulously, "You don't want to stay with me."

Justin smiled. If he didn't know better, he'd say that Brian was hurt by his refusal. "Do you hear what you're asking me? Whether I want to _stay with_ _you_. I don't want to _stay with_ anyone. I want to live somewhere. Somewhere I have chosen. Somewhere I pay rent."

Brian finally understood. Without even thinking, he retorted, "Well, if you think I'm going to live in a fucking tenement, you're sadly mistaken."

Justin's eyes widened. He asked carefully, "Are you saying that you'd be willing to move out of the loft?"

Brian shrugged. "Well, I could sublet it for a while…"

Justin flashed Brian a million-watt smile and then jumped into his arms.

Brian asked softly, "So does that mean you want to live with me?"

Justin laughed and cried, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" in between the open-mouthed kisses he was placing on Brian's neck.

Brian couldn't help but smile. Only then did he wonder what the hell he'd gotten himself into. However, that concern was soon replaced by another, an even more urgent one, as Justin started sucking on Brian's neck at the pulse point and grinding his growing erection against Brian's.

Brian pulled back and asked huskily, "So...now that that is settled, can we go back to the loft and fuck?"

Justin's face was flushed and his breathing ragged. He didn't, couldn't, even answer. He just nodded and went to fetch what few belongings he had.


	17. PDA

Justin half-whispered, half-moaned into Brian's ear, "I can't wait till we are actually inside the loft. I've been dying to have you in my mouth all week."

Brian pulled back and shot the boy a tongue-in-cheek expression. Then he drawled, "Why wait, Kitten?" as he started to unzip his jeans. "You can have my cock in your mouth right now if you want."

Justin turned bright red. He inquired uneasily, "Here? But what if someone gets on the elevator…or is waiting for you at the loft?" He desperately wanted to ask if that was something he would have done a year ago, but he couldn't. He wanted to know the truth, but what he wanted even more was to prove to Brian and to himself that the feeling he had, the feeling that defied all reason, was justified. That he and Brian had a special connection, one transcending time and place…and even memory.

Brian tilted his head and observed Justin closely. He smiled broadly. "Well, if you're too shy, allow me…"

Then he kneeled down and started unbuttoning and unzipping Justin's pants. Justin blushed and laughed…chastising Brian and objecting, but no one who heard would have believed he meant it. Especially when Brian deepthroated him. The moment his cock was fully engulfed, he let out a deep body moan. Brian was an addiction. During their first kiss, a need had surfaced in Justin, one that masturbating, even during phone sex, could never sate. He was sure that nothing but Brian in the flesh could ever truly satisfy him.

By the time the elevator reached the top floor, Brian was bobbing his head fast, squeezing Justin's ass and pulling him closer on every downstroke so that he took Justin's cock deeper into his throat each time. Justin, breathing heavily, threaded his fingers into chestnut hair and watched Brian. His eyes were half-lidded. He struggled to keep them open. He wasn't sure anything was hotter than watching the most beautiful man in the world sucking his cock. Suddenly, he felt that familiar heat radiating from his groin outward. He leaned his head back and let out a guttural moan as he came.

Brian pulled back and smiled. But only for a moment. He glanced outside the elevator and who should be standing there but a disgusted and very pissed off Jennifer Taylor. Justin, seeing Brian frown, followed the line of his gaze. For a long moment, he just gaped in horror. Then he turned to face the back of the elevator and quickly pulled up and fastened his pants. He was whiter than a sheet.

Brian stood up and nudged Justin's chin with a finger until the boy was looking at him. Then he kissed his lips gently and took his hand. Justin couldn't help but smile. Brian threw Jennifer one of his fakest smiles and acknowledged the elder Taylor. "Mrs. Taylor." Then he drawled, "Well, at least now you know that I give _and_ receive. Wouldn't want you to think I'm taking advantage of the boy."

Both Jennifer and Justin turned red, one in rage and the other in embarrassment.

Justin whispered, "Brian…"

But Brian just laughed and led the Taylors into the loft.


	18. A Quick This and That

Brian sauntered into the loft (with Justin's hand still in his) and tossed his jacket onto the couch. He was pissy because he was horny (and, in fact, had been all week), so he dispensed with the niceties. He leaned against the bar, pulling Justin against him. Then he grinned and wrapped his arms around the boy, even setting his chin on Justin's shoulder.

He drawled, "So how can we help you? And make it quick. Justin and I have some fucking to do."

Justin entreated, "Brian!" but he had a silly grin on his face.

Brian replied in a soft yet defensive tone, "What? I've been living on phone sex all week, and you've had my dick hard for an hour."

Jennifer sputtered, "We? Since when are you a 'we?'"

Brian replied simply, "Since the night you came storming over here."

Justin was still a bit stunned from the mortification of his mother catching his boyfriend blowing him, but he was also a little confused by the way Brian and his mother were acting. Clearly they knew each other, and he supposed that that made sense. After all, according to Brian, they'd been together for a year before the accident. But still, seeing them spar, particularly his mother, was strange. A thought suddenly occurred to him.

Justin piped up, "Mom, you knew…about me being gay?"

For the first time, Jennifer looked at her son. Really looked at him. Her eyes widened.

She replied, "Oh…well…yeah…"

"Then why did you tell me you hoped I'd meet a nice girl when I said that Daphne and I were going to visit a friend of hers?"

Jennifer just stared at Justin.

After a long tense moment, Justin asked, "Surely you didn't think I'd forget I was gay?"

Brian couldn't stifle a giggle.

Jennifer narrowed her eyes. "Speaking of lying, you never did go with Daphne to visit that friend, did you?"

Justin looked down. "No. I was here."

"How did you even, uh, encounter him?"

"Daphne took me to Liberty Avenue. I'd been dreaming about someone, and I'd hoped to meet him." Justin smiled brightly. "I almost didn't. But then I caught a glimpse of chestnut hair in the shadows, and I just knew it was him."

Brian held Justin's hand a little tighter.

"So are you living here, now? And why didn't you tell me and your father that you were moving out? I went upstairs to give you something, and I noticed that all your clothes were gone. That was a horrible way for me to find out."

Justin sighed. "I just wanted to get settled first. I didn't want you to try to talk me out of it or interfere."

Desperate, Jennifer cried, "Well, you can't stay here with Brian. You barely know him!"

Justin just stared at his mother for a moment. Then he responded flatly, "If you know him by name, how is it that you think I'm unaware of our past?"

Jennifer looked down, inwardly kicking herself.

"I know that Brian and I were together for a year before the accident."

Jennifer's voice was nearly a screech now. "Together? I don't think you can call what you two did being together."

Justin snapped defensively, "What does that mean?" But then he threw up a hand. "Never mind. Brian and I agreed that we were going to move forward and let my memory come back on its own."

Jennifer laughed. She mocked, "Ah. Brian, are you getting a conscience all of a sudden?"

Justin was unsettled by his mother's words, but when Brian started to pull his hand away, Justin was reminded that that hand was the source of the warmth giving him the strength to be frank with her. He held Brian's hand tighter. Whatever Brian had done, whatever they'd been or not been to each other, that was in the past. Right now, Justin had a loving (and hot) boyfriend, who had just offered to move out of his loft, which he treasured, so they could live together. Brian had even planned and executed the sweetest date Justin could imagine. Obviously, whatever his shortcomings, Brian was trying to change. Justin wasn't about to cut him off at the knees by listening to his mother's take on their former relationship.

Justin took a deep breath and declared firmly, "Mom, don't insult my boyfriend in my presence and don't bother telling me stories about our past. What matters is what we have now. Besides, I thought the doctor said that telling me about past events I couldn't recall was dangerous? Are you willing to hurt me to separate us?"

Jennifer was dumbstruck. She just stared at Justin with wide eyes.

Justin continued, "I'm only staying here until Brian and I find a new apartment. But I will continue living with him, in a place that we choose together. You'll have to get used to that."

"And what will you do? Play housewife?"

Justin looked at her coldly. "No. I have a job."

"A job? Where?"

"Torso. It's…"

Jennifer waved her hand and shook her head. Annoyance evident in her voice, she interjected, "I know where it is."

Justin was taken aback. He had a difficult time fathoming what could have led to her being on Liberty Avenue.

She snapped, "So what…you're going to be a clerk for the rest of your life?"

Justin sighed in exasperation. It was like she was determined to see the worst in everyone and everything. "Of course not. But I don't want to go to school for business, and I don't see dad shelling out money for art school. Plus, with my hand, I'm not ready. I need to find a way to do art in spite of my…my condition (his voice broke a little on the last few words). But while I do that, I need to make a life for myself. I can't live with you and dad forever. I'm 18. It's time I started acting like it. So I found a job and an apartment, though, since Brian wants to live together, we're going to find a new one. Something that suits us both."

Jennifer sighed. When her son got an idea in his head, she was hard pressed to convince him to do anything else.

Justin stated brightly, "But when we do find a place, we'll have a house-warming party and send you an invite."

Jennifer looked at Brian and raised an eyebrow. Brian just shrugged and smiled weakly.

She headed toward the door. "I'm leaving, but we will talk about this more later."

Justin smiled. "Ok."

A minute later, she was gone…and Brian had a very naked Justin pinned against a pillar (facing it).

Huskily, Brian said, as he slowly ran his hands over Justin's ass, "I thought she'd never leave…"

Justin laughed happily. "Me, either."


	19. An Unexpected Declaration

Brian pressed his body against Justin's and placed a few open-mouthed kisses down his neck, from just below his ear to his pulse point. Justin sighed in relief and contentment. This was everything. He'd only "known" Brian a short time, but, still, when they were separated, even for a few hours, he felt…incomplete. The past week had been nearly unbearable.

Brian rubbed his cheek up along the nape of Justin's neck and then down, sending chills throughout Justin's body and causing him to tremble slightly.

His animal nature awakened by Justin's scent, the feel of his skin, and the sound of his labored breathing, Brian growled and attacked his neck, sucking, nibbling, and, even, biting. Justin closed his eyes tight, groaned, and slowly tilted his head to the left.

When Justin pushed back, rubbing his ass against Brian's very obvious erection, Brian spun him around and pushed him roughly against the pillar. Justin grunted. His skin was flushed and his heart racing. Brian brushed his lips gently against Justin's, breathed "Fuck, I missed you, Kitten," and then kissed him, swiftly, passionately, even savagely.

Justin was momentarily stunned. But then he slid his arms around Brian's neck, pulling him closer, thrusting his tongue deep into Brian's mouth, and running his fingers through soft chestnut hair. Justin's neck ached a little from Brian's earlier onslaught, but that just brought his desire to a fevered pitch. His body was on fire.

Without even thinking, he yanked Brian back by the hair and slid to his knees. He ripped Brian's pants open and down and feasted on his cock, licking it from base to tip and then deepthroating it in one go. He sucked it hungrily.

Brian watched Justin rapt. Dizzy with pleasure, he panted and licked his lips. In stark contrast to the ferocity with which Justin sucked and swallowed his cock, he ran his fingers gently through the boy's blond silky hair. He couldn't help but remember another frantic blow job, Justin's sad and beautiful eyes looking up at him, pleading for some kind of acknowledgement. A lump formed in his throat. He blinked a few times and swallowed hard.

Brian was so lost in thought and feeling that his orgasm took him by surprise. Electricity crackled throughout his body, and wave upon wave of pleasure burned through him. He threw back his head and roared.

His body covered in sweat, his chest heaving, he fell to his knees, wrapped his arms around his Kitten, and whispered into his ear, "I…I love you, Justin."


	20. Regret and Fear

Justin's eyes grew as wide as saucers. He was speechless and paralyzed. Brian cleared his throat and stood, refastening his pants. He headed to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. Suddenly, Justin found his voice and moved without even thinking, reacting rather than responding.

He cried, "Wait!" and grabbed Brian's arm. Then he pulled him back down to his knees. Justin's eyes shone with a warmth that caused Brian's heart to ache. Was that the same warmth he'd seen so many times before Justin had lost his memory? He didn't dare hope. Brian had never understood why Justin had fallen in love with him, and he doubted very much that it would, that it could, happen a second time. Lightning doesn't strike twice. Not in the same spot.

The moment those three little words were out of his mouth, Brian had regretted uttering them. His memories were very much intact, painfully so, but, as far as Justin was concerned, Brian and Justin had known each other a paltry two weeks. Justin had told him on many occasions, before the bashing, that he'd fallen in love with him the night they'd met, but Brian had no idea how this new Justin felt.

Desperate fear gripped his heart. Such fear as he had not felt in a very long time. His breathing was shallow, and his skin flushed. He hated the eagerness with which he waited for Justin to continue. He despised need and need in himself most of all. He wanted to retreat into himself, to walk away, to lose himself in the safety of anonymous sex. However, the thought of tricking still made him nauseous. It was more likely to force him to remember what he'd nearly lost, what he could still lose, than to make him forget. But even if tricking were still an option, he would have remained there, kneeling on the floor. He couldn't move. He had to know.

Finally, Justin spoke. His voice barely rose above a whisper. "Brian, I've loved you since before we met or, rather, since before we encountered each other again. (Brian released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding) Since your shadow first entered my dreams, your chestnut hair, your hazel eyes, and your scent haunting me. (in a trembling voice) I love you, Brian, and I feel sure that I always will…"

Brian felt as though a weight had been lifted. The cold ache, the emptiness, that had lodged in his chest since the bashing disappeared. Brian was uncertain what to do. How to respond. But when Justin smiled brightly, as though a reflex, he pulled Justin close and kissed his forehead tenderly. He could barely speak, managing to utter but a single word, "Kitten…"

Justin purred, "Yes, I am your Kitten," spun around, and rubbed his ass against Brian's cock. It hardened almost immediately. Everything after that was a blur.

In short order, Brian found his cock sheathed and inside Justin. He gripped the boy's hips firmly and thrust into him, but slowly. He wanted this moment to last as long as possible. For the first time in his entire life, he felt completely at peace. Complete. Justin's words swam in his head, making him feel dizzy, but not nauseatingly so. That coupled with the tight wet heat surrounding his cock made Brian feel as though he were high on some incredible drug.

And he never wanted to come down.


	21. Reactions

Brian walked into the diner and, spotting Mikey at one of the booths, joined him. Deb brought Brian a cup of coffee. She'd also brought a menu, but she didn't set it in front of him. Instead, she used it to smack him in the back of the head.

Brian looked at her sharply and cried, "What the fuck, Deb?"

Deb had her hand on her hip and was cracking her gum. Calmly, she informed him, "I received a frantic phone call from Jennifer Taylor last night."

Brian sighed and looked down at his coffee.

Confusion evident in Mikey's eyes, he repeated slowly, "Jennifer Taylor. Wait. Isn't that Justin's mom?"

Deb nodded slowly. Then she said, "You wouldn't believe what she told me."

Brian didn't respond. He simply drank his coffee.

"What did she say, Ma?"

"She said that not only was Brian seeing Justin again but also that they were living together. That, in fact, they were looking for a new apartment to share."

Mikey gasped. "You're moving out of the loft?"

Then his eyes widened. "…and you're going to live somewhere else _with Justin_?"

Brian sighed. "To describe it as moving out is a little strong. I'm merely subletting the loft for a while."

Mikey stammered, "But I thought Mrs. Taylor told you to stay away from Justin…"

Deb nodded. "She did."

"Isn't that bad for Justin? I mean, couldn't forcing him to remember hurt him? Isn't that why she told us all to stay away?"

Deb nodded again. "Yes, that's exactly why."

Brian scoffed. "Bullshit."

Deb's eyes widened. She countered, "She just wants what's best for her son."

Brian stared directly into Deb's eyes and repeated, "Bullshit. What she wants is to erase last year permanently. But whatever she does, whatever she tries to get us to do, Justin will still be a fag. And he'll still be in love with me."

Deb quirked an eyebrow. "And how do you know that?"

Brian shrugged. "He told me."

Suspiciously Deb asked, "Under what circumstances?"

Brian shot Deb an annoyed look and said defensively, "I didn't tell him anything. Not at first. And not much anyway. We decided that we wouldn't talk about the past. That'd we'd let his memory come back on its own."

Deb sighed. "How did you even see him again? His mother's had him locked up pretty tight. Or so she said."

Brian chuckled. "Yeah, their house was a real Fort Knox. Daphne brought him to Liberty Avenue, just like last time."

She pressed, "So it was a coincidence, was it?"

Brian replied flatly, "No. I knew he was coming."

Then he added defensively, "But he approached me."

Mikey cried, "What the fuck, Brian? You were finally rid of him! All you had to do was stay away!"

Deb was smiling now. She teased, "But you couldn't, could you?"

Almost simultaneously, an exasperated Mikey cried, "Was the sex really that good?" and a beaming Deb asked, "You love him, don't you?"

Staring straight ahead, Brian replied softly, "Yes."

Deb and Mikey looked at each other in confusion and then at Brian. In unison they asked, "Yes to which?"

Brian just smiled, tossed a five on the table, and left.

*************

Justin walked into Torso, beaming.

Emmett couldn't help but smile, too. He asked cheerfully, "Well, don't you look pleased as punch! Did something wonderful happen?"

Emmett had not thought it possible, but, at that, Justin smiled even more brightly.

He admitted shyly, "Yes."

Emmett ran up to the counter, to which Justin was headed, leaned forward against it, and cupped his chin in his hands. Eagerly, he exclaimed, while also tilting his head (still cupped in his hands), "Do tell!"

Justin sat in a tall chair next to the counter. He sighed in contentment. "Where do I even start? So much happened…"

Emmett replied softly, "At the beginning, Baby" and, temporarily uncupping one side of his face, patted Justin's hand.

Subdued excitement in his voice, Justin said, "Well…after work, I took Brian to see my apartment. He told me it was a dump…"

Emmett laughed. That was so Brian. When Justin looked at Emmett strangely, he cleared his throat and asked incredulously, "He did? That's not very nice."

Justin, now more at ease, chuckled. "Well, Brian's a tell-it-like-it-is kind of person, and it really is a dump. But I guess it's a good thing he thinks so because he and I are going to look for an apartment to live in together…"

Emmett's jaw dropped. "He asked you to move in with him?"

Justin smiled broadly and nodded.

"…and he's going to move out of his place so you can find a place together?"

Justin nodded again.

"Wow! How long have you been dating?"

Justin blushed. He stammered, "Well…uh…it's complicated, but, technically, only a couple of weeks."

"Oh…that's fast!"

Justin looked down. In a near whisper, he replied, "Yeah, but it feels so right."

Emmett watched Justin closely as he prodded, "You two must like each other a lot!"

Justin flushed with pleasure. "Actually, last night, Brian told me that he loves me."

Emmett was so astonished that his head slipped out of his hands, and he nearly banged it on the counter. Luckily, he caught himself just in time. He exclaimed, "Brian Kinney told you that he loves you?!!"

Justin's eyes widened. "I didn't tell you his last name. Do you know Brian from somewhere else?"

Emmett cursed himself inwardly. Nervously, he 'explained,' "Oh…well…I don't really know him…"

And clearly that was true. He never would have believed it possible for Brian to make such a turnaround.

"But I know of him…you know, people talk, and I see him around Liberty Avenue."

Justin seemed satisfied by this clarification. He nodded. Then he blushed and looked down as he asked, in a shaky voice, "So…is it really weird to move in with someone so soon? My mother flipped when I told her."

Emmett tilted his head and smiled (he was so proud and so happy. Clearly, the bashing hadn't bereft Baby of all his spunk). "You told her?"

Justin nodded. "I've never seen her so angry! I didn't even know she could get that pissed off. She's always been a regular June Cleaver."

In a soft voice, Emmett responded, "Well…for most people, that is a little fast. But I don't know what you meant by complications. For you two, this might be the perfect timing. All I can do is tell you something I learned recently."

Justin looked up. "What's that?"

Emmett, a pained expression in his eyes, continued, "Life is short. So short. My circle just lost a dear friend, someone we treasured. Out of nowhere, he was just gone. So I say fuck your mother (Justin's eyes widened) and anyone else who wants to criticize. Grab whatever happiness you can in life and hold onto it. Hold onto it with all the strength you have. Such things will be taken from us soon enough, through death or some other thing…it seems foolish to ever let them go willingly…"


	22. Dishes and Dildos to Match

Brian looked around and sighed. He couldn't believe how low he'd sunk. He was actually in a Bed Bath & Beyond. He and Justin had spent the previous afternoon looking at apartments. Justin had constrained their search substantially by informing Brian in no uncertain terms that the rent could be no more than $1500, preferably less.

That would have been fine if Brian could be content living in an apartment complex or a regular apartment building, but he wanted to find another loft. They had eventually located one (and fast), thanks to Brian's realtor, who was understandably shocked by Brian's apparent loss of taste. But it was definitely a fixer-upper. The floor was bare concrete, two of the three windows were boarded up, and the shower/tub contraption was way too small and ordinary.

Fortunately, all that could be changed, and the building itself was interesting. It was an old sugar factory. It looked like a huge cube except that on the right third of the building, two floors rose above the rest. Each of the normal floors housed three apartments, but each of the two smaller floors housed only one. They had rented the apartment on the topmost floor, which included a black steel circular staircase to the roof, giving them sole access. Justin had agreed to their being a little more free with money when it came to refurbishing the apartment, but not as free as Brian had been with his loft.

Now Brian and Justin were shopping for housewares. Justin had just picked out dinnerware, 8 fiesta plates and matching bowls and cups, one each of chartreuse, pearl gray, sunflower, plum, tangerine, scarlet, peacock, and sea mist. If this were any indication, their new apartment was going to be very colorful.

"What do you think?" Justin asked nervously.

Brian smirked. "Well…they're certainly out and proud."

"You hate them, don't you?"

Brian didn't answer right away. He looked around, his gaze falling on a straight couple, the man staring into space, a bored look on his face, while the woman, oblivious to her partner's lack of interest, chattered about butter dishes and then on a couple of Stepford fags debating the merits of various skillets with equal enthusiasm. The "old Brian" would have said something like "They're fucking plates. Who cares?" The new Brian was no more interested in dishes than the old Brian, but…Justin cared, and he cared about Justin. Justin wanted their new place to be a reflection of both of them, wanted them to make a home together (at that, Brian's stomach turned a little), so Brian'd have to figure out how to do that without losing all respect for himself. Aha! He had the perfect solution.

He came up behind Justin, rested his head on Justin's shoulder, and slid his hands into Justin's jeans.

Justin exclaimed, "Brian!"

"What? If you want me to do the "domestic thing," you're going to have to "endure" some inappropriate fondling. In fact, depending how crazy this gets, you may need to come across with a lot more."

Brian grabbed Justin's shaft firmly, which was now already half-erect, and started sliding his hand up and down along it. Justin leaned his head back on Brian's shoulder and moaned softly.

Then he breathed, "Mmm…okay."

Brian grinned. "I actually like the idea of rainbow dishes, but we'll need dildos to match."

Justin giggled. "You planning to fuck me with a variety of dildos at dinner parties?"

"Not a bad idea, Kitten. We could offer our guests dinner and a show…"

Brian had continued to jerk Justin off as they chatted. Justin's breathing was now ragged, and his face flushed. Suddenly, Brian quickened the pace, eliciting a loud moan from Justin. In response, the Stepford fags pointed and laughed, and the straight couple made a hasty retreat, but not before the woman had cried out, "You should be ashamed!"

Justin paled, but Brian just chuckled. Then he whispered, "Shall we go look at towels next? I'm thinking red..."

Despite his mortification, Justin cracked a smile.


	23. Vantage Points, Facets

One hand behind his back, Brian opened his and Justin's new loft door (by turning a knob) and shook his head, muttering, "Freaky." He left it open.

He called out (the new loft was actually bigger than Brian's) cheerfully, "Honey, I'm home!"

Justin popped his head up and then emerged from behind part of their new pale green overstuffed sectional couch.

Brian chuckled. "What are you doing back there?"

"Lying on our new sheepskin rug, watching the sunset. Just taking a break after moving the furniture around."

Brian looked around, observing the mini-library Justin had fashioned, forming a corner with their four new three-shelf bookcases (two and two) on the far right (the couch was on the left) and placing their two new armchairs and matching ottomans opposite two of the bookcases (the chairs now faced the wall with the windows) and their tall four-arm adjustable freestanding lamp behind the bookcases. He had also placed Brian's desk and computer next to the two bookcases the armchairs faced. Brian smiled. If Justin were sitting in one of the armchairs and Brian were working at home, he'd see Justin every time he looked up.

Brian nodded slowly. "Looks great!"

Justin flushed with pleasure. Then he approached Brian and asked, "Whatcha got behind your back?"

Brian shrugged and looked behind him (to the right), swinging his body a bit to the left as he did (but not so far that Justin could see what he had), so he actually saw empty space when he looked behind him.

Justin folded his arms on his chest and stared at Brian blankly.

Brian sighed heavily. "If you must know…close your eyes, and I'll tell you."

Justin let his arms fall to his sides and closed his eyes.

Brian walked over to the windows carrying an easel and, periodically glancing at his desk, placed it in front of the middle window. He grabbed one of the ottomans in their mini-library and placed it behind his desk. Then he sat in his chair, swiveled it around and put his feet up. He had a perfect view of the easel, and, when standing at the easel, Justin would have a perfect view of both Brian's desk and their sheepskin rug. Brian's eyes brightened as he imagined lying naked on the rug watching Justin paint.

Brian placed his hands behind his head and prodded, "Check it out."

Justin opened his eyes and then turned around, finally catching sight of the easel.

He ran over to it and cried, "Oh wow, cool!"

Brian smiled softly and said, "Actually, that's the just the first part." Then to Justin's surprise and confusion, he left the loft. He returned a moment later with a huge box. He carried it over to the easel and set it down, giving an exaggerated grunt as he did so. Justin's eyes grew as wide as saucers.

He exclaimed, "Holy shit, Brian!" as he pawed through it. Brian had bought him sketch pads, pencils and brushes of all kinds, twenty or thirty tubes of paint, charcoals, pastels, a few canvases, and about a million other art supplies. He jumped into Brian's arms and kissed the man passionately.

"I can't believe you did this!" Then more softly, "Thank you. So much."

Brian whispered huskily, "My pleasure, Kitten" and then placed a tender kiss on Justin's lips. He pulled back abruptly and said, "Oh. I almost forgot. Here."

From out of his inside jacket pocket he pulled a white rose.

Justin's eyes widened.

Brian shoved the flower into Justin's hand. Then, looking down, he cleared his throat and rubbed his forehead. "The florist said that white roses represent new beginnings…"

Justin couldn't breathe or speak. For a moment, he just looked at the flower in his hand. Finally, he managed, "Brian…I…"

Brian looked up until his eyes met Justin's, which were glistening.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Justin looked over in surprise.

Brian breathed a sigh of relief, stepped back, and clapped his hands. "Ah. That must be the new shower!"

He grinned and opened the door for the delivery men.

Then he returned. "Three jets at various heights, two in front, one behind, jet black porcelain."

Justin's eyes widened. "Wow!"

"I paid the delivery men extra to install it."

"Do they know how?"

Brian nodded and smiled. Then he drawled, "I hope you're feeling dirty."

Justin moved close to Brian and nuzzled his neck. Then he purred, "I'm feeling downright filthy."

At that, Brian's eyes glazed over with lust.


	24. Obstacles

Brian was sitting at his desk working on a presentation for a meeting with execs from a company that makes and distributes health food. Well, trying to work. This was the first time Brian had seen Justin pick up a pencil since the bashing. He was lying on the fluffy white rug (on his stomach) facing the desk with a sketchpad in front of him drawing Brian, or so Brian assumed, since he had spent the last 20 minutes alternately peeking up at him and sketching. Brian was eager to see how the drawing was progressing, but he didn't want to make Justin nervous. He knew that Justin was insecure about his ability, especially since he couldn't remember how well he'd been able to draw before. So Justin was fighting both the fear that he had no talent and a physical impairment.

Brian glanced over at Justin for the 5th time in the last 20 minutes and noticed that Justin's hand was shaking. He tensed up. He felt so helpless, and he hated it. Brian was normally able to control every aspect of his environment and everyone in it; he was a born leader: charismatic, intelligent, and fast on his feet. Brian turned his gaze back to the computer screen. He could no longer stand to watch Justin struggle to draw in spite of his trembling hand, his eyes dark with pain, sweat beading on his forehead.

Suddenly Justin threw the sketchpad across the room. Brian looked up quickly, but he was not surprised. Justin's inability to control his own body must be even more frustrating than Brian's inability to help Justin. Justin sat up. He was stretching his hand, wiggling his fingers, and frowning, pain still clearly written in his eyes. Brian's first instinct was to rush over and massage Justin's hand. But he hesitated. He didn't want to wound Justin's pride. Finally, concern for Justin's physical well-being won out. He stood and approached Justin. Then he nonchalantly took Justin's hand in his and began to massage it while he told Justin about what he'd been working on. The distraction succeeded.

Brian complained, "Granola bars are _not_ sexy. I suppose I could have people exercising, but what health food product isn't advertised that way. I need another hook, but, so far, I got a whole lot of nothing."

Justin furrowed his brow, pondering Brian's dilemma. "Maybe you could advertise them as 'fuel for passion.'"

"Fuel for passion?"

"Yeah. You could have two men in a locker room talking. One man could say that he and his wife are having problems. That he comes home from work and the gym each night too tired for anything but TV. Then the other man could whip out a granola bar and suggest that he have one right after he gets home, asserting that that will give him all the energy he needs. Maybe he could even wink. The passion the slogan refers to could be romantic, athletic, or professional. To capture the female demographic, you could have two working mothers having a similar conversation. You know…'I work all day and then come home and make dinner, help the kids with their homework, bathe them, and put them to bed. Where am I supposed to get the energy for anything else?'"

"That's not bad, Kitten. Not bad at all."

Now Justin's eyes were clear, and his face relaxed. Brian was still holding Justin's hand in his, but he'd stopped massaging it.

Justin looked up at Brian and smiled. He asked in wonder, "How did you do that?"

Brian tilted his head. "Do what?"

"In just a few minutes, you managed to make the pain disappear. Not even my physical therapist could do that."

Brian smiled softly, even a little shyly. Then he shrugged.

Justin's gaze changed from one of wonder to one of longing, which grew stronger by the second. Now his eyes burned with a desire so intense that Brian flushed. Without even thinking, Brian fell to his knees.

Brian fell to his knees in front of Justin, cupped his face in his hands, and sent his lips crashing down onto Justin's. Justin slid his arms around Brian's neck and pulled him closer, kissing him back with equal ardor. Unaccountably, he shivered. Brian felt Justin's body tremble and slid his hands down to Justin's waist, encircling it and drawing him nearer. To warm him or steady him, he didn't know. The gesture was unconscious. Then he slid his hands up Justin's back and ran his fingers through Justin's silky hair. So soft.

Suddenly, Justin froze. Brian continued to kiss Justin for a moment or two before he realized something was wrong. He pulled back and looked at Justin. Justin was staring off into space, his eyes wide and filled with some unseen pain.

Brian asked gently, "Justin? Are you okay?"

Justin didn't answer. It was as though he hadn't heard him.

More urgently, he called to him again, "Kitten?"

Justin looked up at that. He replied absently, "Brian."

Then he flinched as though he'd been struck, closed his eyes tightly, and fell forward. Brian took Justin into his arms, holding him tight and rubbing his back.

He breathed, "Kitten, what's wrong?"

Justin whispered, "I can hear it clatter. Echoing."

Brian stiffened. "What is it? What…"

But Justin could no longer hear Brian.

Justin continued, "Then nothing."

Brian held him tighter.

"Silence."

Justin's voice was so small now that Brian could barely hear him.

In a hollow monotone that frightened Brian, Justin asked, "It wasn't an accident, was it?"

Brian didn't, couldn't, respond.

Justin pulled away from him roughly and then leaned back, plopping down onto his butt. He looked at his hands for a moment, his brow furrowed, his eyes dark. Brian was at a complete loss. Still stunned and speechless. But Justin found his voice, though it shook.

"My mom. She said…she said it was an accident. My injury. My memory loss. My hand."

Brian closed his eyes slowly, languidly, and let his head fall. Bracing himself for what he knew must come next.

Justin burst into tears, but made no sound. Not at first. Then only a low retching moan. Finally, he asked, "Why?"

Brian looked back up, just in time to see Justin shaking his head, staring at something Brian couldn't see, his eyes filled with fear. Justin froze for a moment. Then he lost consciousness.

Brian managed to catch Justin before he hit the floor, though he had to dive. Holding Justin this way, his body seemingly lifeless, Brian was overwhelmed with memories, terrible memories he'd give anything to erase. He buried his face in Justin's chest and, for the first time since the 'incident,' he cried.


	25. Lean On Me

Justin regained consciousness a couple of minutes after he'd passed out. He awoke to find Brian sobbing, his head resting on Justin's chest. Justin wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to embarrass Brian, but, at the same time, he had a nearly overwhelming urge to hold him in his arms. In the end, his need to comfort Brian overrode Justin's concerns about Brian's pride. He slid his arms around Brian and buried his face in Brian's hair. Even now, when Justin was worried about Brian, he couldn't help but relish in the softness of Brian's hair and his musky scent. He smiled a little when he felt his cock jump. His desire for Brian was so strong that almost nothing could table it.

Brian cleared his throat, wiped his tears away, and then picked Justin up and carried him to the bed. He laid him down and crawled in next to him. He was lying on his side propped up on his right arm. He studied Justin's face and brushed a few stray hairs off of Justin's forehead. He frowned when he saw that Justin's brow was lined, he imagined, with concern for him.

Meanwhile, Justin had been studying Brian's face. After a minute or two, he reached up and caressed Brian's cheek with his left hand. Then he clenched and unclenched his right a few times before risking a question. He asked softly, "Why were you…you know?"

Justin couldn't actually say the word. He was afraid Brian would become angry or simply shut down.

Brian looked down and closed his eyes for a moment. He smiled wryly when he realized that he would actually have answered Justin if he could have. But of course he couldn't. He sighed and lifted his head until his eyes met Justin's.

"I can't answer that."

He hesitated, but then inquired, "Do you want to talk about what you remembered?"

Justin grimaced and rolled over so that he was facing away from Brian.

Brian prodded gently, "Kitten?"

Justin clenched his jaw. His breathing was uneven, fast and heavy. Unbidden, the images that had forced their way up to his consciousness flashed across his mind once more. He closed his eyes and shook his head. He no longer wanted to remember. Anything. Before then, he had been desperately hoping he would remember his and Brian's past…but…

Brian sighed. He rubbed Justin's back and repeated, "Kitten?" Then he added, "You know we need to talk about this."

Justin's entire body tensed up. He couldn't. He wouldn't. His eyes widened. He knew just how to distract Brian. He rolled over onto his back, quickly shed his clothes, and then started stroking his cock. Brian watched in silence, but he was frowning. A couple minutes in, Justin licked his lips and moaned softly. Then he whispered, "You know, proximity to you and your scent by themselves get me so hard. Anytime I'm near you, I just want to feel your hands touching me, your cock pushing its way inside me."

Brian clenched his jaw. Seeing Justin's naked body, watching him jerk off, listening to him beg for Brian's dick, each by itself would have caused his cock to grow painfully erect, but all three together caused it to throb and leak, too. As much as he wanted to, he knew he couldn't respond; it was torture. He took a deep breath and stated, "You said you heard something clatter and echo. What exactly did you mean?" Brian knew, of course, but Justin needed to say it.

Justin stopped stroking his cock. His eyes suddenly filled with tears. Apparently, his attempt to seduce Brian was not very effective at keeping the memory at bay. The fear and the pain remained just beneath the surface. He shook his head and whispered, "I…I don't want to talk about it, Brian. I can't. I just can't."

Brian replied, in a firm, but gentle voice, "Kitten, you have to." Then he caressed Justin's cheek. "But I'm here. We'll do this together. Okay?"

Frowning, Justin looked at his hands and sighed. He clenched and unclenched his right a few times, but then turned to face Brian. He wasn't sure if he could do this. Still, he replied, "Okay."

Brian pulled Justin into his arms and covered them both with the duvet. Then Brian repeated his question from before, "You said you heard something clatter and echo. What exactly did you mean?"

Justin shivered involuntarily. Brian held Justin a little tighter, and Justin nestled himself more snugly in Brian's arms. Then he began, "I was in a parking garage I think..."


	26. Remember Me, Please

Justin began, "I was in a parking garage I think..." Then he shuddered.

Without even thinking, Brian pulled him closer, held him tighter. Meanwhile, he was observing Justin closely, trying to ascertain what he was thinking, feeling, and remembering. Justin was staring into space, his eyes unfocused, as though he were watching a movie in his head. He was silent for only a couple of minutes, but, for Brian, that seemed to be an interminable length of time.

When Justin finally spoke, he said something that shook Brian to the very core. Justin whispered, "Later" in that happy/frightened/hopeful voice he'd used the night of the bashing. It was as though Justin had seen himself in his mind and was mimicking his own voice.

Brian swallowed hard. His eyes never left Justin's face. He wondered whether Justin remembered who he'd said that to.

A moment later, Justin continued. Brian quickly realized that Justin was simply narrating what he saw in his head, not yet reflecting on anything, just reproducing it. In a soft hollow voice, Justin said, "Walking. I was walking away."

Brian was dying to prod, to press, "From what or whom?" But of course, he said nothing.

Justin continued, "My footsteps echoed."

Brian clenched a fist. He knew what came next.

"I turned back and then…and then…"

As Justin had spoken these words, his voice had grown softer and softer, fading to silence at the end, as though his memory of this part was fuzzy. As though he were doing the mental equivalent of squinting to bring an image into clearer view.

Then suddenly, Justin cried out, so much more loudly that he actually startled Brian, "Pain…so much pain. And falling. The clatter of a…of a bat on cement."

Justin paused. Then he continued, much more softly, "Fading. The world was fading to darkness. But I could feel warm hands. Warm hands on my back. I heard a shout and then crying. Someone was crying."

Justin looked directly into Brian's eyes now. Then he said, "I could feel the wetness of their tears."

Justin still didn't remember him. Brian looked away and clenched his jaw. He couldn't let Justin see the disappointment and pain that was surely evident in his eyes.

When he had collected himself, he returned his gaze to Justin. Justin was still looking at Brian, his brow furrowed, his mouth open slightly, his eyes wide and filled with confusion.

Brian's entire body tensed up. He had no idea what was coming, and that made him nervous. Very nervous.

After several long moments of dead silence (neither of them were breathing), Justin whispered, "Even if it was ridiculously romantic…"

Brian's eyes lit up. Did Justin remember him saying those words?

Justin looked down for another moment and then back up, his eyes dark and intense. He stated softly, "I thought you said you wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of eighteen-year-olds."

Brian froze. He was still uncertain as to whether Justin remembered who had said what. Did he remember images? Voices? Or just the words themselves, unattached to any voice?

After a short pause, Justin added, "I thought I'd recapture my lost youth."

Brian swallowed hard. He tried to look calm and unperturbed, but, inside, he was pleading with Justin, begging Justin to remember who had said those words, begging Justin to remember him and the rest of the prom. He thought bitterly that if the Kinney luck held true, Justin would remember only the bad parts, of the prom and of their relationship or whatever, if he remembered Brian at all.

Brian lost all hope when Justin suddenly exclaimed, "Chris Hobbs. Chris Hobbs attacked me."

Brian sighed, unclenched his fist, and then clenched it again. He wanted to scream in frustration, but, of course, that was out of the question, as it so often was. Like always, he needed to remain still as life happened all around him, pretending not to care. Except that tonight there would be no sea of bodies and booze to help him forget, even for just a little while. He was grateful that Justin's eyes had lost focus again. He couldn't be sure that none of his emotions were registering on his face. The stoicism Brian had spent a lifetime perfecting had been faltering since he'd met Justin, but much more so and with greater regularity since the bashing. Chris Hobbs had smashed much more than Justin's skull when he'd wielded that bat.

Justin pulled Brian out of his head a moment later, when his eyes focused back on Brian and he asked, in a trembling voice, "Why would Chris attack me?"

Brian held Justin's gaze, but said nothing. He knew that he couldn't answer Justin's question or prompt him in any way, and it was killing him. He wanted to fill in the blanks, the most prominent of which was, of course, him. But then, how could he explain the unexplainable? If Brian were allowed to answer Justin's question, he had no clue what he would say. He didn't, couldn't, view the world in black and white, peopled with forces of good and evil. Was evil at the root of all cruelty, or was it infinitely more complex? A combination of pain, ignorance, rage, and self-hatred and who knows what else, maybe genetics and hormone imbalances. Brian had been cruel to the best of all people, to the person he'd cared for the most. So many times. It pained him to recall. He'd done it to protect himself and maybe even to hurt that innocent and naïve part of himself that he saw so clearly in Justin, that childish self he'd never been able to silence completely, the one that had always urged him to believe, to hope, to let go.

Justin unexpectedly interrupted Brian's philosophical musing, exclaiming excitedly, "Wait, you…you took me to prom, didn't you? No. No. But you were there."

Brian stopped breathing, and his heart stubbornly refused to beat. He stared at Justin with intense eyes. He told himself he should be calm. That he shouldn't expect too much, if anything. Justin might not actually remember Brian being there. He could simply have inferred that.

But then Justin said something that had Brian tumbling head first, having lost all control of his emotions.

Justin smiled brightly as he recalled, "You were wearing a white silk scarf. It was so soft and smooth. You slid it around my neck…and (then more hesitantly) we were dancing."

Justin looked directly into Brian's eyes and asked, "We were dancing?"

Brian's heart soared. He couldn't help but smile. Brightly.

Then he replied, "Yes, Kitten. We were dancing."


	27. That Was My I Love You

Justin sighed happily. "So you came to my prom, and we danced."

Brian desperately wanted to ask questions, to probe Justin's memory of the prom further, but he knew he couldn't. So he simply nodded.

Suddenly, Justin frowned and repeated, his eyes losing focus, "I thought you said you wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of eighteen-year-olds."

He turned to Brian with a look of pain and confusion on his face and inquired, "If you were too embarrassed to be seen with me or to be seen there, why did you come at all?"

Brian thought wryly, "Isn't that the million-dollar question?" Then he grinned and commented lightly, "You always cut to the chase. But it's no wonder. You did, after all, earn a 1500 on your SAT."

Justin just stared at Brian. In fact, he stared at him so long that Brian grew exceedingly uncomfortable. He squirmed a little and burst out, "What?" and then, in a more even voice, implored him, "Don't go all _Children of the Corn_ on me."

That gave Justin a chuckle in spite of himself. However, he informed Brian, firmly but with a hint of amusement in his voice, "Neither flattery nor bad jokes are going to distract me."

Brian snapped, "I don't know why people are so focused on the past. All it does is weigh you down."

Justin looked deep into Brian's eyes and examined every inch of his face. Brian tried to appear impassive during this assessment, but it was causing him to feel things he did not want Justin to perceive. Ironically, it made him feel both extremely uneasy and happy, which, in turn, caused him further discomfort. Brian was worried that Justin would perceive too much, giving him clues as to their past, which the doctor said should come back to Justin naturally, with no outside help. Nevertheless, he couldn't help but relish feeling Justin's penetrating gaze upon him once more. It had been a while, he imagined, because Justin's memory loss had caused a loss of confidence, a lack of certainty about everything. However, Brian also worried that Justin would perceive too little, that somehow their connection had lost something in the translation from the Justin of the past to the Justin of the present. And of course, he was not yet completely comfortable desiring greater intimacy with anyone, but especially Justin.

Nothing could have prepared Brian for what Justin said.

"You aren't just referring to our past, are you? Someone hurt you. When I asked who you'd been in love with before, you said, 'It was you,' as though you'd never been in love with anyone else, so I'm guessing that one or both of your parents abused you."

Brian's eyes widened. He actually gaped at Justin in horror for a long moment (before he caught himself). Then he looked away. Did Justin remember somehow? Or was the fact that he was damaged clearly written in his eyes and on his face.

"I don't know how the abuse affected you. I can't even imagine how difficult it's been to overcome. But I do know that the person you became as a result is the man I fell in love with. Twice in fact. And, this may be a horrible thing to say, considering what you went through, but I wouldn't have you any other way. I love you exactly as you are."

That was too much for Brian. He unexpectedly grabbed Justin by the neck with both hands and pulled him close, so close that their lips were a hair's breadth apart. Brian looked into Justin's eyes, with such love and fear that Justin's eyes widened a little and he flushed. He'd suddenly lost the ability to breathe. Then Brian kissed Justin's lips, firmly, but tenderly. Brian pulled back a little and looked into Justin's eyes again. He was about to kiss Justin more passionately and fuck him into the mattress, when Justin's eyes widened to the size of saucers and he repeated, "Even if it was ridiculously romantic." He'd looked away as he'd said those words, but then he looked back at Brian.

Brian had froze and was watching Justin closely, on tenterhooks as he waited to learn whether Justin had remembered more.

Justin cried out excitedly, "I said, 'It's the best night of my life,' referring to our dance and then you said, 'Even if it was ridiculously romantic." I was going to say, 'Duh! Because it was ridiculously romantic," but then you kissed me, just like that, just like you did a minute ago! and I…I knew then that…that you loved me."

Brian's chest constricted. He bit back a sob and blinked a few times to push back the tears that suddenly threatened to fall.

Justin smiled brightly. He inquired, with even greater enthusiasm, "That's why you came, isn't it? You weren't going to, but…but then something happened, and you realized that you loved me. The dance, the kiss. That was your way of telling me, wasn't it?"

Brian looked down and swallowed hard, but then he lifted his head until his eyes met Justin's and replied huskily, his voice so low that it barely registered, "Yes, Kitten. That was my I love you."


	28. Reverberations

Justin was not scheduled to work today, so he was at their new loft. He'd said that he wanted to work on his drawing. Brian had gone to the office, but he was having trouble concentrating. Ever since Justin had started to remember the bashing and the prom a few days ago, Brian was ill at ease whenever they were apart. He sighed and tried to focus on the storyboards for a new commercial he would be pitching the next day.

The phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times. Brian looked at the clock. Fuck. Cynthia was at lunch. On the fourth ring, Brian picked up. "Brian Kinney's office."

But no voice replied. Instead, Brian heard a click. The person had hung up. Brian stared at the phone a moment before replacing it on the cradle. He jumped a little when it rang again. This time Brian answered on the second ring. And this time, someone responded to his greeting ("Brian Kinney's office.")

"Brian…Brian. Help me…"

Another click.

Brian jumped out of his chair, grabbed his briefcase, and ran out the door. He ran all the way to the parking garage (being too scared and impatient for the elevator). Justin had called Brian and asked for help in a voice that had caused him to tremble. Justin had been crying so hard that Brian had barely been able to make out the words. And he had sounded terrified. Brian blew every red light, making it to the loft in ten minutes (from the time Justin had hung up the second time).

Brian quickly unlocked the door and stepped inside. It was quiet. Eerily quiet. He dropped his briefcase and walked further inside, scanning the apartment for Justin. Finally his eyes lit on the boy. He was lying on the floor in front of the bed, as though he'd collapsed, passed out, as though he'd realized he was about to lose consciousness and headed for the bed. The phone was an inch or two away from Justin's hand, as though he'd been clutching it for dear life and had only let go when the world faded to black.

Brian rushed over to Justin and kneeled down. He touched Justin's face gently. The boy was covered in a cold sweat, and his eyes were red and puffy, as though he'd been sobbing. Brian let his eyes travel along the rest of Justin's body, looking for anything else that seemed unusual. Suddenly, he drew his breath in sharply. Justin was wearing brown cargo pants, and Brian could clearly see a huge wet spot from his waist to his knees. At first, Brian was afraid that it was blood, but there was no red tinge to it, and, when he leaned in closer, he smelled an acrid odor. Piss. Justin had lost consciousness and then, apparently, had lost control of his bladder.

Brian's gaze returned to Justin's face. He could see Justin's eyes moving beneath his lids, as though he were dreaming. Unexpectedly, Justin moaned and then jumped up. He ran from one side of the loft to the other (through the studio/office to the windows and back), knocking over his easel in the process. He squinted like he was seeing everything through a haze, as though he couldn't focus his eyes.

He cried out, "No. No. No. Someone…someone help me. Please."

The pain in that plaintive cry caused Brian's chest to constrict. But he was stunned. He had no idea what to do. Then Justin's eyes lit on the phone. He picked it up and ran to the couch. Apparently, he didn't see Brian sitting next to the phone because he was muttering, "I gotta call Brian. I gotta call Brian…"

Justin smacked himself in the face. He was sobbing uncontrollably now and crying out softly, "Why won't it stop? Why??"

Then he smacked himself in the face again. "I gotta get it together. I gotta…"

Now he was dialing. His face was a mere inch (or less) from the phone, as though he couldn't see the buttons clearly. Brian, having recovered a little from the shock and paralyzing fear Justin's 'episode' had caused, stood up and approached Justin. He sat down next to him and gently took the phone from his hand. Justin followed the phone with his eyes. When they lighted on Brian, he squinted and tilted his head. Could Justin even see him? Then Brian pulled Justin into his arms, not even caring that that meant soaking his Armani suit with piss. He held Justin close, cradling him, and whispered, "Kitten, I'm here. I'm here."

Brian held Justin for a long time. Justin buried his face in Brian's chest and cried. He didn't talk much, but, every once in a while, he would moan softly, "I was so scared, Brian. So scared." Eventually, Justin stopped crying, and his eyelids began to droop. Brian carried Justin to the bed and stripped off his clothes. Then he covered him with the duvet, kissed his forehead, and walked over to his desk. He plopped down and stared at the screen, at first not really looking at it. When he finally did, his eyes widened. He immediately pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed. It took him fifteen minutes to get the number he wanted. Thirty minutes later, a psychologist Brian knew, one who'd desperately wanted Brian to fuck him, was walking into the loft. Brian took him into their 'library' and spent the next hour telling the man about Brian and Justin's relationship before the bashing, the bashing, and their relationship after. Then he recounted what he'd seen of Justin's 'episode' and described what Justin had been reading before the 'episode,' that is, a story in which a man's gay lover strangles him. To death. Then he explained why that scene was significant.

His entire body tensed as he remembered police night at Babylon last year, with go-go dancers in police hats, blue shirts, and black jock straps, wielding night sticks. He'd prowled the back room, looking for something to help him forget. His dad had just died. As much as he had hated him for the abuse, some part of him still longed for his approval, longed to have a real relationship with him. And after his dad had met Gus, for the first time in his life, he thought that maybe, just maybe, that would, that could, happen. But then he had died, destroying all hope of that. Worse yet, Brian was still so angry and bitter about the abuse and neglect. In the end, he had called Justin. Justin had barely walked through the door when Brian had pushed him up against the nearest pillar and planted an angry, passionate kiss on his soft cherry-red lips. He'd ripped Justin's clothes off, lifted him up into his arms, and started fucking him hard. Justin had wrapped his legs around Brian and that, coupled with the fact that he was leaning back on the pillar, allowed Brian to let his hands roam Justin's body. He moved his hands up to Justin's neck, and, then, without even realizing what he was doing, he started squeezing even as he'd continued to fuck Justin. The whole time Brian was looking into Justin's eyes. At first they were dark with desire, but, for a moment, they were filled with fear. That fear snapped Brian out of his trance. He quickly let go of Justin's neck and carried him to the bed. After they'd finished fucking, Brian had sucked Justin's cock for what seemed like an hour. He'd bring him to the brink and then ease him off. Then he'd do it all over again. When Justin finally shot his load down Brian's throat, he'd cum so hard that he'd lost consciousness. That blowjob was Brian apologizing the only way he knew how. He hadn't meant to scare Justin.

"For the moment, let's skip the lecture on why choking your boyfriend during sex is not the best coping method when grieving and get right to what that memory means in this context."

Brian smiled a little, but it didn't reach his eyes. He still felt so guilty, not that he'd ever admit that. Brian Kinney didn't do guilt. (Yeah, right) "Okay."

"Now, you said that, for a moment, when you were choking Justin, he was scared. For a split second, he wasn't sure that you would stop, right?"

Brian swallowed hard and nodded.

"Okay. Now before that moment, he wasn't scared of you. In fact, he felt completely safe with you."

Brian winced and looked down, remembering.

"_Well, don't think that you've won. That it's over. Because the minute you do that, you're dead."_

"_Not as long as I've got you to protect me."_

Then Brian looked back up and nodded.

"Okay. Now, even when Justin couldn't remember you or anything that you'd shared, he dreamed of you. And when he was on Liberty for the first time after the bashing, he picked you out of the crowd and approached you, right?"

Brian nodded.

"So he was unconsciously drawn to you. Then, in the middle of a mental break, when the world was in pieces around him, he reached for you, to make him feel safe, to right the world. Whatever your guilty feelings about that memory (Brian cleared his throat and started playing with his sleeve), that experience, the memory in itself didn't hurt him. It was only when the memory was juxtaposed with other memories that it had any negative connotation. It's what we call a trigger, something that facilitates the remembrance of something else, something that is harmful to the patient."

"Like the bashing."

"Right. That moment when Justin wasn't sure you were going to stop probably reminded him of the moment he caught sight of Hobbs with the bat. As you've explained it to me, Justin and Hobbs had a sexual encounter."

"Yeah. Justin jerked him off."

"Okay, so he wasn't afraid of Hobbs at first. Not even after Hobbs started bullying him."

"No. He continuously confronted Hobbs. Every time Hobbs bullied him, he stood up to him."

"Okay, so only when Hobbs took the bullying to a new level, doing the unexpected, did Justin become afraid."

Brian nodded.

"And like the other memory, it was a split second of fear, when he wasn't sure the person causing that fear would stop. You stopped. Hobbs didn't."

Brian looked down, fervently blinking back tears that threatened to fall. Then he looked back up and nodded.

"So the scene in the story Justin was reading called to mind a memory of you where he was scared and wasn't sure what you would do. Whether you would stop choking him. That was the trigger, causing a deeper memory of the bashing to surface, a sense impression, really, and that sent him into a panic attack. Because he knew Hobbs wouldn't stop. That Hobbs was truly a threat to him."

Brian's voice wavered a little as he asked, "What do we do now?"

"Well, I wouldn't try to force him to talk about it or fill in any blanks."

"Right, the doctor said not to do that. That it would hurt him."

"Actually, the doctor and Justin's mother were probably in cahoots there. I think they probably felt that "the gay lifestyle" had put Justin in danger and that the less he remembered the safer he would be. Unfortunately, unless he remembers and deals with those memories, he'll never be whole again, and he could fall apart at any moment. I think you should get him talking, trying to remember, but not yet. People who have diminished support systems are more susceptible to mental breaks. He has you, and that alone has got him this far, but you can't be with him all the time. Plus, he's in love with you, so he's probably trying to 'hold back the crazy' as much as possible. You need to help him widen his support network. He needs to spend some time with people he likes and trusts, but who he's not so afraid of disappointing or scaring away. Then he'll be better able to cope with the panic and the host of other emotions the bashing evokes."

Brian swallowed hard and nodded, a determined look in his eyes. "I can do that."


	29. Getting Reacquainted, Part 1

Justin and Brian were walking into the diner. Justin asked cheerfully, "So what are we doing here?" (they had just eaten dinner at a nice Italian place).

Brian shrugged. "I just want you to meet some of my friends."

"Oh okay." Justin smiled brightly. It didn't occur to him then that he might have met them before. But it should have. After a year with Brian, it would have been strange if he hadn't met Brian's friends. It certainly never occurred to him that he might currently "know" one or more of them, but in a different context. So his smile disappeared (to be replaced by a shocked expression) when he saw that Brian was directing him to a booth at which his coworker Emmett was sitting (Emmett and Michael were sitting in one side of the booth, and Ted was sitting in a chair next to them). Justin turned to Brian, a confused look on his face. He asked hesitantly, "Brian?"

Brian didn't respond. He just sat down in the empty side of the booth and pulled Justin along with him. They had been holding hands the whole time, their fingers entwined, a fact that was drawing surprised looks from both Ted and Michael (the look on Michael's face was more like horror). Emmett just smiled. This was simply an extension of the change he'd seen in Brian that first day at Torso. Once Justin was seated, Brian said, "Justin, you know Emmett (that drew more surprised looks), so I don't need to introduce him; this is Ted and that's Michael, but I call him Mikey. He's been my best friend since I was 14."

Justin smiled, but it was an uneasy smile. Softly, he said, "Hi."

Ted and Michael had no idea what to say or how, so their greetings matched Justin's in tone and content.

Emmett alone seemed comfortable. He exclaimed sunnily, "Hi, Baby!"

Justin's smile brightened a bit then. "Hi, Em." Then he furrowed his brow. Everyone looked at Justin nervously. After a few long moments, he inquired softly, "Wait, when you first saw me, you called me Baby. Is that because you'd known me before the… (Justin still had trouble calling what happened an attack, though he now knew that that's what it was) the incident?"

Emmett's eyes dimmed. He just nodded. Suddenly, everything was falling into place for Justin. He continued, "And…and when you said that you knew how precious life and happiness were because someone in your circle just disappeared one day…you…you were talking about me?"

Emmett frowned a little and nodded again. As Brian watched this scene unfold, he was becoming increasingly agitated. He was desperately afraid that Justin's doctor had been right, that bringing Justin to the diner without any kind of explanation and just springing the gang on him might hurt him. But what the psychologist had said made sense. And Brian didn't want Justin to have more severe panic attacks or to become a shell of a person. Brian desperately needed Justin to be whole again.

Justin's eyes suddenly filled with tears. He exclaimed, "Oh God! I'm sorry. I…I didn't mean to forget, to just disappear like that."

Brian stiffened and Emmett, concern evident in his eyes, shook his head and patted Justin's free hand, which was laying on the table. He countered, "Baby, it wasn't your fault. We know that."

Brian squeezed Justin's hand, the hand he was still holding. Justin looked over at Brian and smiled (though his eyes were still glistening with tears). Then Brian released Justin's hand and threw his arm around the boy, pulling him closer. Justin sighed in contentment, relaxing into Brian's warm embrace. For the moment, all his anxiety had disappeared.

*********

Now that the ice had been broken, Justin was happily eating a sundae, and everyone else was drinking coffee. Brian was glad he'd chosen a night when Deb wasn't working. Deb would probably have been a bit overwhelming for Justin. When Justin had finished scooping up the last bit of melted ice cream at the bottom of the glass dish, he pushed it to the side for the waitress to pick up and smiled. Then he asked, "So you were all my friends, too?"

Michael couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes (though he did feel bad for Justin). Brian frowned at Michael and sent him a wordless warning, and Emmett and Ted exchanged an uncomfortable look. Strangely, Ted was the first to speak. He said, "We liked you better than Brian." Everyone (even Michael) burst out laughing. He emended, "Well, except for Michael, but he's Brian's best friend."

Emmett added, "We used to spend a lot of time here at the diner and at the clubs."

"Clubs?"

"Yeah, Babylon and Woody's."

"How did I get in?"

Brian chuckled. Then he explained, "You're hot."

Justin flashed him a shy smile. His eyes wide, he asked, "That's all it took?"

Brian nodded. "Some bartenders wouldn't serve you, but when that happened, someone would buy you drinks."

"Cool. So what are Babylon and Woody's like?"

Ted replied, "Woody's has a pool table and a dart board, and Babylon is a dance club."

Justin's eyes brightened then. He loved dancing. He suggested brightly, "We should all go out sometime."

Brian responded nonchalantly (or apparently so), "Sure."

But Emmett couldn't help but notice Brian's eyes darkening then. He thought he understood why. Brian was clearly trying to have a different kind of relationship with Justin. Justin didn't seem to have any idea about what things had been like between them before. Brian was probably hoping that Justin never remembered that part.

Seeing Brian's extreme turnaround and his discomfort, Emmett decided then and there that he would do what he could to help (not necessarily trying to prevent Justin from remembering, but he would do what he could to prevent people from saying unpleasant things, from forcing Justin to remember. If he remembered on his own, that was another thing altogether.) So he suggested, "We could try some new clubs. We were always stuck in such a rut. The diner, Woody's, and then Babylon. But I've always wanted to branch out a little. Maybe start going to Boitoi or Pistol."

Brian quirked an eyebrow, but he smiled, too. And Emmett thought that he looked relieved, even grateful.


	30. Getting Reacquainted, Part 2

Brian was at the bar (the gang had decided to act on Justin's suggestion that night and had gone to Boitoi) getting himself and Justin a couple more beers (Michael went with him, Justin thought, in a strange puppy-like fashion), and Emmett went to the bathroom. After he and Ted were alone, Justin inquired cheerfully, "So what do you do, Ted?"

Ted stared at Justin blankly for a moment. Justin had never shown much interest in him before. But then, few did. Justin smiled as he awaited Ted's answer. Suddenly Ted couldn't help but notice that Justin really had a beautiful smile. Well worth the name Sunshine. Finally, when his staring silence was getting a little weird, Ted stammered, "Uh..I'm an accountant."

Justin nodded and said, in a serious voice, "Oh. That must be interesting."

Ted raised both eyebrows and gave him a doubtful look. Justin blushed a little and smiled an embarrassed smile. "Well, maybe not."

Ted chuckled. "So…umm….are you going to art school in the fall?"

Justin's eyes widened. "How did you know I was an artist?"

"I saw some of your work at the Gay and Lesbian Center art show."

Justin's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He asked excitedly, "My work was in an art show?"

Ted nodded and chuckled again. "Your drawings were all great, but, of course, the one of Brian naked received the most attention."

"I drew Brian naked and submitted it to an art show?"

Ted nodded. "It sold for a hundred, I think."

Justin's smile nearly blinded Ted. He asked a little nervously, "Did Brian see it?"

Ted nodded. "Yeah. He couldn't stop staring at it."

Justin kind of zoned out then (still smiling, but a softer smile), imagining the scene Ted had described. He really wished he could remember that. Ted pulled Justin out of his bittersweet reverie by asking his original question again, "So are you going to art school in the fall?"

Justin clenched his jaw and looked down. "No. My hand is fucked up. The…the incident affected my fine motor skills."

"That's a shame. I was always amazed by your talent."

Justin asked softly, "You were?"

Ted nodded. "Would more physical therapy help?"

Justin shook his head. "Unfortunately I've done all I can do on that score. I'm going to have to find a way to do art differently."

Ted tilted his head. Then he actually smiled. "I'm sure you'll figure it out. And who knows (after looking around nervously, he squeezed Justin's shoulder, but quickly; he knew how jealous Brian was when it came to Justin, despite his many claims to the contrary), maybe you'll end up doing something even more amazing, something you would never have considered before. Emmett's always saying that everything happens for a reason. That obstacles are opportunities. I don't usually agree. Emmett calls me a pessimist, though I'd call it being a realist. But you _are_ very creative. He might be right in your case."

"You really think so?"

Ted nodded. Brian and Michael reappeared then (followed shortly by Emmett). Brian made a point of pulling Justin back against him and wrapping his arms around Justin's waist. The entire time, he fixed Ted with an icy glare. Ted chuckled. Apparently, Brian had seen Ted touch Justin, and he was less than thrilled.

**********

Brian and Michael were dancing, and Ted was slowly sidling up to a hot guy he was hoping, but not expecting, to fuck. Justin smiled. Ted was staring at the guy nervously (though looking away once every few seconds, attempting to appear nonchalant, but failing miserably) and inching closer to him. Justin shook his head and glanced away. He couldn't bear to watch Ted get crushed, and that was undoubtedly what was going to happen. That's when he caught sight of Emmett staring at him. Justin blushed a little and asked, "What?"

Emmett smiled. "Nothing. I was just wondering what precipitated this scene. Your mom told us that seeing us again would be detrimental to your recovery."

Justin nodded. "She told me something similar, that actively trying to remember things was dangerous. But then, something happened, and Brian sought the advice of a psychologist."

Emmett's eyes widened, and he huffed a laugh. He asked incredulously, "Really?"

Justin nodded.

Concern evident in his voice, Emmett inquired, "What was it that happened?"

Justin fidgeted uncomfortably for a moment. His severe panic attack had been frightening and even a little painful. He'd been dizzy and nauseous, and he'd ended up with a terrible headache, probably from slapping himself and hitting the floor (when he'd lost consciousness). It had also been humiliating. He'd called Brian crying and fucking wet himself like a 4-year-old. Thankfully, Brian pretended not to know that Justin had pissed himself. But Justin knew he knew. Justin closed his eyes for a moment. It couldn't be undone (so he had told himself about a hundred times since it had happened). He needed to simply forget. Justin's embarrassment was only topped by his fear that it could, that it would, happen again. He was desperately afraid of a reoccurrence. He told himself often (more than he told himself not to be embarrassed) that there had been a trigger. That the panic attack didn't just come out of nowhere. It was probably stupid, but remembering that made Justin feel like maybe he could prevent a reoccurrence, which he desperately wanted to do. He was afraid that even thinking about the attack would cause another. But Brian had told him that the psychologist recommended talking about everything. That that was the best way to prevent more panic attacks. So he sighed and said, in answer to Emmett's question, "I had a severe panic attack the other day."

Emmett gasped, "Oh no!"


	31. The World Comes Tumbling Down, Part 1

For the first time ever, Brian was uncomfortable at a club. Clubs used to be his playground. He could have any man he wanted; even men who hated him wanted him. They'd literally wait in line for him to shove his cock into their mouths or asses. And Mikey, he exhibited as much eagerness about dancing with Brian. He stood at Brian's right hand, waiting with bated breath for every word that came out of his mouth. Brian had come to clubs to be worshipped. And he had been. He'd been a god.

Even after Justin had entered the picture, this had been the case. In fact, Justin had, at first, simply reinforced his godhood. Justin was just another devotee in Brian's kingdom. His hot young stalker.

But now…now everything was different. Brian was no longer pleased when Mikey 'spread the Word.' Brian was no longer at the club to be worshiped by crowds of adoring fans. Brian didn't even want to talk to Mikey, not really, and he didn't want to rack up the tricks. In fact, he would rather have been anywhere else. Somewhere with Justin. Suddenly, Justin was the center of Brian's universe (rather than himself). That was why Brian was uncomfortable. He didn't know what Dead Man Walking, Emmy Lou, and Mikey would say to Justin, and that made him feel actual fear. Heart-gripping fear. Brian sighed. What was it about Justin and this situation that regressed him to childhood?

Normally, Mikey would make thoughtless comments to Justin, and Ted and Emmett would relentlessly insult Brian (usually in response to Brian's insulting them), and that used to be okay. Brian didn't used to care what people he fucked thought. He didn't used to care what Justin or the gang thought. Or so he would tell himself. Truth be told, he had cared. He had always cared. He'd wanted the people he fucked to think he was the hottest man and the best fuck in Pittsburgh (and maybe the world). He'd wanted Mikey to think Brian was the coolest person on the planet and for Emmett and Ted to begrudgingly agree. But most of all, he'd wanted Justin to think not only that he was the hottest man and the best fuck in the world but also that he possessed more than beauty and sexual prowess. He'd needed Justin to see through the façade.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it, Justin no longer saw the façade at all. Justin was no longer familiar with Brian's god-king persona. The problem with that was, Brian didn't want Justin to become reacquainted with that side of him. Ever. Brian hadn't really thought about the distant future, about whether it was practical to think he could keep Justin in the dark forever. He had simply been living from one moment to the next. He hadn't worked out a plan for this eventuality. Justin's panic attack had come out of nowhere, as had the psychologist's advice. So now Brian was doing something he never did, something he had learned was pointless. He was hoping. Hoping that Justin would not see his "sins," which he had once displayed proudly. Since encountering Justin again after the bashing, his hideously disfigured self had remained hidden in the attic of Justin's mind, thanks to Justin's amnesia, and Brian was terrified that Ted, Emmett, Mikey, and former tricks would say or do something to open the attic door. Brian had often been unfeeling and cruel, to the point of sadism, with everyone, even Justin. Especially Justin. And Brian was ashamed. Every once in a while, Brian would feel a twinge of guilt (for example, when he had sent Justin away after Justin's first proclamation of love), but he had not felt full-blown shame, not in a very long time.

Brian used to "be himself," the self he had created, and had adopted a like-it-or-leave-it attitude. His persona was almost a dare…who would be strong enough or perceptive enough to get through the quills protecting him? Only Justin had been able to accomplish this feat. Only Justin. But now, with Justin, Brian couldn't reassume his like-it-or-leave-it attitude. Brian would be crushed if Justin saw him, all of him, and decided to leave.

Brian had all these thoughts while watching Justin and Emmett talking. He and Mikey were dancing, Mikey prattling on about some new plot from one of his comic books, but Brian wasn't listening. He was watching Justin over Mikey's shoulder, watching for trouble.

Then it came. Brian looked on in horror as Chad…Shane, no, Shawn approached Justin. A cold lump was forming at the pit of Brian's stomach. Brian remembered what Justin had said to him after he'd accidentally confessed his love for Justin: "Brian, I've loved you since before we met or, rather, encountered each other again. Since your shadow first entered my dreams, your chestnut hair, your hazel eyes, and your scent haunting me. I love you, Brian, and I feel sure that I always will…"

Brian whispered, "I guess we'll see."

Mikey looked up, confusion on his face. "What?"

Brian turned his gaze to Mikey for the first time since they'd started dancing. He muttered, "Oh uh nothing." Then without another word, Brian moved to intercept Skip, or whatever the fuck his name was.


	32. The World Comes Tumbling Down, Part 2

Brian did not manage to intercept Shawn. When Brian was still a few feet away, Shawn sidled up to Justin and smiled. He drawled, "Hey."

Justin smiled nervously and replied, "Uh hi." Emmett looked back and forth between the two young men uncomfortably. The interloper appeared to know Justin, but, of course, Justin did not recognize him. This couldn't be good. A moment later, Brian was behind Justin, his arm slung around his shoulders. Brian was smirking in typical king of Liberty Avenue fashion, but Emmett could tell that he was hardly himself; Brian held his body rigidly.

Shawn frowned. He hissed, "You."

Justin looked between Brian and the stranger in confusion.

Brian and Shawn were staring at each other, disgust and anger on their faces. Still holding Shawn's gaze, Brian snapped, "Fuck off!"

Justin complained, "Brian! No need to be rude."

Brian ignored Justin. Still staring daggers at Shawn, he added, "He's with me. Fuck off."

"Brian!" Justin tried to sound stern, but he was too happy that Brian was laying claim to him, and so dramatically.

Shawn moved to leave, but he brushed up against Justin as he passed, paused, and whispered, "You have a great cock. I wouldn't mind seeing it again some time." He looked up into Justin's eyes, held them for a few heart beats, smiled, and then started walking again. Justin furrowed his brow and, with his eyes, followed him to the other side of the club. Then he dropped his head. His eyes lost focus as he probed his memory, trying to remember where he had met this person…and what, if anything, they'd done. The guy's words intimated that they'd had a sexual relationship, but that couldn't be right. Justin had been dating Brian all last year, and he wasn't the cheating type. Justin licked his lips. Then like a blow to the head, it hit him…they hit him. Images. Him dressed like a cowboy in an alley…and…and… Justin thought, "Oh God." He suddenly felt nauseous. He glanced over at Brian. Brian was looking at him intently, but his expression was unreadable. Justin's chest felt hollow. Justin looked around at Ted, Emmett, and Michael. Ted and Emmett appeared confused. Clearly, they didn't recognize the guy, but Michael, his eyes accused Justin. That look contained hatred and disgust.

Justin swallowed hard. Tears sprung to his eyes. He didn't understand how he could have done it, how he could have justified it, but, clearly, he had betrayed Brian. He'd cheated on him. He felt dizzy. He shook his head. One word resounded over and over in his mind, in his heart. Why? Brian was beautiful…so much more attractive than that other guy, and Justin loved Brian. He felt sure he had loved Brian since their first encounter, their real first encounter.

Like a zombie, Justin started walking. He had no idea where he was going. He just needed…out. To escape the heavy bass of the music, the artificial fog and the lights, the half-naked bodies covered in glitter, the sickly sweet smell of pink and tangerine drinks…he'd probably been in a place very similar to this one when he'd picked the guy up. Justin glanced back at Brian, a look of horror on his (Justin's) face. Justin had been in a place very similar to this when he'd picked the guy up Then he'd taken him into an alley and…With that thought, Justin turned and ran. He ran out of the club and kept running. As though he could escape what he'd done. If he left the club and Michael's angry glare and Brian's cold expressionless face, his silence…maybe he could put the memory back into the abyss, the oblivion, that was most of his memory of the last year…maybe he could erase his betrayal. Justin ran and ran until his chest was heaving so much that he could barely breathe. He stopped near a lamppost then, holding onto it as he tried to catch his breath. When he had, he covered his eyes with his hands. A few moments later, he pulled them away, wiping away tears as he did so. Then he yelled, "Fuck!" and kicked the lamppost.

Back at Boitoi, Emmett was staring at Brian incredulously. He prodded, "What are you waiting for? Go after him!"

Brian just stared at the door. He had watched Justin run out and continued to stare in the same direction, as though he could still see Justin.

Emmett yelled, "Brian! Go after him!"

Mikey interjected smugly, "If he doesn't want to, don't push him."

Emmett frowned. Brian blinked slowly. Then he cleared his throat and stated softly, in a slightly tremulous voice, "He left. If he wanted me with him…if he wanted me…" He trailed off at the end and then headed for the bar. In a matter of seconds, he'd bolted down two shots.

Emmett sighed heavily.

Justin dialed Daphne's number with shaky hands. It rang and rang. Finally, a sleepy Daphne answered, "Lo…"

Justin wiped away more tears and cried, "Daph…I…I did something bad. Something terrible. I don't understand…"

"Justin? What's wrong? What did you do?"

"I…" Justin swallowed hard. Seeing the images in his head was bad enough. Saying the words out loud was so much worse. He sniffed.

"Justin…"

"I…" Justin sighed. "I fucked someone else. I cheated on Brian."

"What? Tonight?"

Justin shook his head frantically. "No, no. Before. I can't remember when. Last year some time."

Daphne sighed. "You didn't cheat on Brian…"

Justin cut her off, his voice a near wail, "Daph, I know it's hard to believe, I can't even believe it, but I…I did. I remember doing it."

Daphne sighed again. "Where are you?"

Justin looked around. "On Liberty Avenue. By a lamppost."

"Outside of Babylon?"

"Ummm…." Justin looked around again, trying to see through tears. "Oh yeah."

"Ok, stay there. Don't move, ok?"

"Are you coming to get me?"

"Just stay there, ok?"

"Ok."

Daphne hung up and immediately dialed Brian's cell number.

Brian was on his fourth shot when he felt his cell phone vibrating against his thigh. He ignored it and ordered another shot. But whoever it was was persistent. After the vibrating stopped for a moment, it started again. Brian dug in his pocket for the phone. He growled, "What."

"Justin's by the lamppost."

Brian immediately recognized Daphne's voice. "What?"

"He called me. He's a wreck. He told me that he cheated on you."

"What?" Brian walked outside so he could hear her better.

"Justin just called me. He's a wreck. He told me that he cheated on you."

Brian muttered, "Fuck."

"He's by the lamppost outside of Babylon. I told him to stay there. He thinks I'm coming to get him."

"Ok. Thanks."

"Whatever…"

Brian's voice dropped to a husky whisper. "No, I mean it. Thanks."

Daphne flushed with happiness. "Oh…no…no problem, Brian."

Then Brian shoved his phone back into his pocket and started walking. He was relieved, so relieved, but filled with dread, too. Justin had not seen Brian, seen his hideously disfigured self. Not this time. But he might as well have. Brian was going to have to tell Justin. Everything. Brian couldn't allow Justin to feel guilty for fucking that kid. He couldn't let Justin believe that he'd betrayed Brian, but that meant admitting his own betrayals. And betrayals they were. Whatever Brian had told himself and everyone else, he and Justin had always shared a connection, and every time he had led Justin to believe that that connection did not exist, every time he had chosen someone else in front of him, he had betrayed Justin. Brian knew that. He had always known that. And fuck, he'd gotten off on it a little. It had made him feel powerful, in control. How the fuck was he going to explain that without sounding like a monster? Brian would free Justin of his guilt, but, in doing so, admit his own. And Justin would look at him in horror again, run away again, maybe for good. Brian sighed, ran his fingers through his hair, and quickened his pace. No need to put off the inevitable.


	33. Brian 2,0

Brian slowed down when he caught sight of Justin. He sighed. Justin's eyes were red and a little swollen. The little fucker had been crying. After a quick run through the hair (with his fingers), Brian forced himself to smile and then walked up to Justin like he had done a little more than a year ago. Fascinated and swaggering a bit, every inch of his body exuding want.

At first, Justin responded exactly the way Brian had hoped, exactly the way he had the first time. He looked up stunned and then smiled and leaned back against the lamppost. But it was a momentary flicker, like Justin's body remembered something his brain did not. Brian's chest tightened as he watched the light flicker and die. Justin stood up and looked down, his eyes smushed together. He was desperately seeking darkness. Brian sighed and grabbed Justin by the hand. He drawled, "Come on, Kitten, let's go home."

Justin pulled his hand away. "Daphne's coming to get me."

Brian sighed. "No she isn't. She called me."

"I…I can't be with you right now."

"We need to talk. What you remembered…you didn't remember everything. You didn't cheat on me."

Justin sputtered, "But I…I fucked him. I clearly remember fucking him! How is that not cheating?"

Brian ran his fingers through his hair. Then he said, his voice nearly a whisper, "We…we weren't monogamous then."

Justin's eyes widened. In a small voice that made Brian's chest ache painfully, he asked, "What do you mean?"

Brian shrugged. "We fucked other people."

Justin was almost shouting then. He was so confused and frustrated. "But why? I loved you, I'm sure of it. Why would I have wanted to be with anyone else?"

"You didn't. I mean, not really."

Justin was aghast. "_You_ wanted to be with other men." That wasn't a question. It was a statement. An accusation.

Brian clenched and unclenched his fist. He hadn't wanted to do this. No one would believe it, but ripping Justin's innocence from him, not his cherry, but his youthful romantic notions, had been hard enough the first time, though Brian had considered it, in part, a public service. Brian had known Justin would get his heart broken. Better sooner than later. But now that things were different, that Brian was different, he had hoped this day would never come. He was actually glad that that part of Justin, the part that Brian had destroyed, had been restored. It was like they had traded places. Before the bashing, Brian had been the teacher, disabusing Justin of silly, unrealistic notions. But after, Justin was, enlarging the crack in the stone encasing Brian's heart and making him think, maybe, just maybe, love can be real and forever. That maybe commitment and fidelity were not the root of all evil, the beginning of the end.

But now, what could he do? The truth was the truth. Brian had wanted other men. The more he had wanted Justin, the more he had wanted, needed, to fuck other men. Justin's eyes were filled with pain, disappointment. How many times had Brian put that look in his eyes? Maybe he should have done what Debbie and Jennifer had told him to do. "Just walk away. Let him be happy." Brian let his head fall and closed his eyes for a moment. He expected Justin to cry, to yell, to run. All of the above and in that order.

But Justin didn't do any of those things. Brian was surprised to feel Justin's soft, but firm hand slip in his own. Brian was suddenly aware of how much smaller Justin's hands were. Almost tiny in comparison to his. Fuck. All Brian wanted to do was what Justin had expected him to do, when the shit had started to hit the fan, but before the big finish. To protect him. But now…Justin was doing the protecting. Brian could barely breathe as he looked up, his eyes, filled with terror and guilt, meeting Justin's. His burned with determination. Brian swallowed hard.

Justin accused, "You regret it."

Brian opened his mouth, ready to reply with the standard quip, "Brian Kinney doesn't do regret," but no sound came. He closed his mouth, but did nothing to indicate his agreement. He didn't know what to do. He wanted Justin to see him only as he was now, whoever the fuck that was, but the truth was the truth. One day, Justin might remember everything. Brian didn't want to set him up for a hard fall, putting false romantic notions back into his head, ideals that Brian 1.0 could never have lived up to.

Justin smiled. Not quite a trademark Sunshine smile, but it was bright, filled with genuine happiness. Justin slipped his other hand into Brian's and then threaded their fingers together. He looked up at the man, still grinning. "And now you're all mine." Hesitantly, anxiously, he inquired, "Right?"

Brian nodded slowly. In a husky whisper, he said, "I am."

For whatever it was worth, Brian had stopped tricking (of course, not of his own free will. His body had mutinied, causing him to feel nauseous every time he sauntered up to a man who wasn't Justin, increasing the nausea to unbearable proportions as they drew nearer to penetration of any kind…kissing, blow jobs, fucking). Brian might not have decided to stop of his own accord, but now that Justin was back in his life, in his bed, he wouldn't start again, not even if his body relented. Justin was too precious, too rare, to let anything stand in the way of Brian's being with him. Brian could still feel the desolation of the weeks without seeing Justin at all and the desperate fear that he never would, that if he did, Justin might not even notice him in a crowd, let alone fall in love with him again. Brian released Justin's hands, but only to take him in his arms. Then he breathed, "Can we go home now, Kitten?"


	34. Another First, Redux

The whole way home, Justin was thinking. The recovered memory had raised a million questions. In his memory, he'd been the one doing the fucking. But with Brian, since the 'incident' at least, he was always the one being fucked. Had it always been that way or had he sometimes fucked Brian? Was he always the one doing the fucking when he was with other men? How many other men had he been with? Had he often had sex with people in 'inappropriate places' (as his mother would term them), e.g., alleys? The recovered memory seemed so out of place. A piece that didn't quite fit with who he was now, with who he had been before he met Brian. Justin had been so nervous about sucking Brian's dick in the elevator. So much so that he couldn't do it. In fact, he was still very nervous when Brian ended up sucking _him_ off. And he'd been mortified when his mother caught them. How could he have become so casual about sex, so casual that he would fuck someone in an alley, and with other people watching, without feeling so much as a smidgen of embarrassment? Justin shuddered. He wished he could just forget last year completely (well, except the prom). He didn't want to remember. He didn't want to know what had caused him to change so much in such a short time. It had to be bad. Very bad.

Brian was freaking out (though perhaps only Justin would have noticed, if he hadn't been so lost in thought) by the time they walked into the loft. Justin had been silent for far too long. And they hadn't touched since climbing into the jeep. That alone was very strange. Whenever they were together for more than five minutes, they ended up holding hands, kissing, fucking, sitting together (Justin on Brian's lap or between his legs, leaning up against him), etc. Something was definitely amiss (especially since eight times out of ten, Justin was the one initiating such contact). The last thing Brian wanted to do was to talk about the context of the memory or about last year at all. But that was probably exactly what Justin wanted to do. Instead, he took his time opening the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water.

He had just uncapped it and started to take a swig when Justin inquired bluntly, "Did I ever fuck you?"

Brian nearly choked on the water. Then he sputtered, "What?"

Justin repeated, "Last year, did I ever fuck you?"

Despite his initial shock, Brian recovered quickly. He stated softly, "I thought we weren't going to talk about our relationship or whatever the fuck before…just before?"

Justin frowned a little and looked down. "Yeah. Never mind."

Brian turned away for a moment, under the auspices of putting the unfinished bottle of water back into the refrigerator. Still turned away, he replied, "Once."

Now it was Justin's turn to sputter, "What?" He had assumed that the answer must be no (if Brian was so uncomfortable, reticent to respond to his question).

"I let you fuck me once last year. It was on your 18th birthday. I asked you what you wanted, and you said, 'You.' So I let you have me."

Justin was suddenly having difficulty breathing, and he felt flushed. "Was…I mean…did you enjoy it?"

Brian answered simply, evasively, "I like sex."

Justin laughed. "You sound like that guy from _Idiocracy_. 'I like money.'" After a moment's hesitation, Justin said, "But I mean, some sex is better, right?"

Brian swung around so that he was facing Justin. In a very sexy drawl (Justin thought), he replied, "You have a nice cock, Kitten."

Despite how sexy Brian's voice was, even sexier when it was discussing Justin's cock and calling him Kitten, Justin was quickly becoming frustrated. Why couldn't Brian just answer yes or no?

After a couple minutes of silence, wherein Justin racked his brain trying to come up with the words that would spur Brian to tell him what he wanted to know, unexpectedly (on both their parts), Justin approached Brian, who had turned around again, this time pretending to glance through the mail. Justin walked up behind him, slipped his arms around Brian's waist, and then unfastened his jeans. Brian said nothing. Justin took this as a sign to continue, so he pulled Brian's pants down...then his underwear…and finally kneeled behind him. He cupped Brian's ass cheeks, just touching, but then he spread them and licked at Brian's hole. Brian stiffened, but made no moved to stop Justin. Justin swirled his tongue around Brian's hole and then poked it gently with the tip. Then, after some serious hesitation, he pushed it inside. Brian drew his breath in sharply. Justin fucked Brian with his tongue for a minute or so, but then pulled out and resumed swirling and poking. Justin didn't think he'd ever been so hard in his life (not that he could remember anyway). He stood and started taking his clothes off. Meanwhile, Brian finished removing his pants and then took off his shirt. Justin took this as a sign that he should press on. So he grabbed a condom from a kitchen drawer as well as a tube of lube. He then pushed Brian to his hands and knees. Brian didn't protest. Before he knew it, he was sheathed and lubed and the tip of his cock was pressed against Brian's entrance. Brian was still mute. So Justin started pushing the tip inside.

Justin had no idea what had come over him. He'd simply had an impulse that he couldn't stop himself from carrying through, though he was scared to death. But now, when he'd pushed about an inch of his cock inside Brian, he had second thoughts. He pulled out and sat back, him on his ass, his legs stretched out to the side.

Brian moved to his knees and then turned around. "Why did you stop?"

Justin shrugged.

Brian just stared at Justin blankly.

Finally, Justin cracked. He confessed glumly, "I don't want you to be okay with my fucking you. I want you to want me to fuck you. But at least this answers my question."

Brian narrowed his eyes. "Question?"

"You probably didn't enjoy my birthday fuck, and, if you did, you'd probably never tell me."

Justin had him there. That was his impulse now, and that had been his impulse in every situation before the prom. Evade and deny. But seeing Justin so desolate now and remembering how upset Justin had been when he learned that they hadn't been monogamous, Brian couldn't just shrug and walk away. Not this time. Instead, his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, he advised, "Waste not, want not." Then he straddled Justin and started pushing Justin's still erect cock inside him, inch by inch.

Justin's eyes widened. Brian was soo fucking tight, like a vice. Justin was suddenly afraid that he might shoot his load after about a minute. Especially with the way Brian was looking at him. All amusement had disappeared from his expression. Now Brian's face was…Justin wasn't sure how to describe it. It wasn't cold and closed, but serious, determined, and something else, something soft and warm. When Brian was impaled halfway, he stopped and closed his eyes. His breathing was shallow.

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian; at first, it was just a gentle press of their lips, but then, Brian opened his mouth. Justin thrust his tongue inside, kissing Brian slow and deep. He threaded his fingers into Brian's hair and pulled the man closer, kissed him deeper. Brian moaned low in his throat and started pushing himself down further onto Justin's cock. Brian shoved the last inch in hard. Justin broke away and shouted, "Oh fuck!" Brian smiled.

Brian didn't move, not right away. Instead he started talking. It took everything in him not to look away, to form the words. "The night of your birthday was…(in a softer voice, an awed whisper) amazing." Justin swallowed hard. Brian continued, his voice rising a bit, but not much, just a shade above a whisper, "I'd only ever let one other person fuck me and only once. So…mercifully, you were…careful (Brian closed his eyes now)…gentle. (opening his eyes again…in an amused, proud voice) But…you'd learned well. You managed to fuck me for a solid thirty minutes, bringing us both to the edge and then backing off several times. Finally, you couldn't hold back anymore and you fucked me hard and fast, your body shaking so much I could feel it, though I was on my hands and knees. You only needed to stroke me twice before I was shooting buckets. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get you to stop grinning at me complacently. For days after that, whenever you smiled, you gloated."

Justin's eyes were wide, and his smile, bright. But when Brian started riding Justin's dick, he closed his eyes, grabbed Brian's hips, hard, and moaned, "Ohhhh…fuck!"

Out of the blue, Justin pushed Brian onto his back and lifted Brian's legs to his shoulders. Brian's eyes widened, but then, he smiled. Justin leaned in for a passionate kiss as he thrust inside Brian. Brian was soon sweaty and flushed and beautiful (so Justin thought). Justin continued to do that as long as he could hold out, kissing Brian (he couldn't get enough of the man's lips) as he fucked him, and, then, right before he came, he reared up, his eyes wide, and said, in a husky whisper, "I love you." Then his vision exploded into a thousand points of bright rainbow-colored light. He nearly blacked out. But then (the condom tossed) he was in Brian's arms, still on the floor, all sticky with Brian's cum, sweaty, and sated, and he couldn't help but think that somehow all this seemed familiar.

Before Justin drifted off, he heard Brian whisper, "I love you, too, Kitten."


	35. Rex and Spike's Relationship Changes

Justin was at Torso working. Standing in the window display, redressing Rex and Spike. When he finished, he moved Spike, the tall brunet mannequin, to the left corner by the glass and faced him outward so that his back was to Rex, the shorter mannequin with blond hair. He seemed to be looking out at the passersby. Then Justin moved Rex to the opposite corner and turned him so that he seemed to be looking at Spike's back.

"Baby, whatcha doing?"

"Changing Rex's and Spike's ensemble, like you asked."

"I know but why did you put them so far apart?"

Justin shrugged. "It's more realistic this way."

"What do you mean?"

Well…Rex is in love with Spike and only has eyes for him, but Spike…he definitely likes Rex and maybe even loves him, but…"

"But?"

"But he's attracted to lots of guys. So Rex is gazing at Spike, and Spike is checking out the 'local talent.'"

"Local talent? Where did you hear that phrase?"

"In a dream. Brian said it. He and I were at a dance club. He was leaning up against the bar, 'scoping out the local talent,' he said…"

"And where were you?"

"Next to him. Until Brian went to dance with some brunet, a tall guy, real built."

"Then what did you do?"

"I watched them dance."

A cold lump formed in Emmett's belly. He couldn't bring himself to ask "And then?" As it turns out, he didn't need to say a word.

Still staring out at the street, Justin continued, his voice dull and lifeless, "Then Brian took the guy to the back of the club. And fucked him. Right there in front of a bunch of other guys. Right in front of me."

"Oh." Emmett was at a loss. He approached Justin slowly, and when he reached him, he squeezed his shoulder gently.

Justin's voice cracked. "Brian said he fell in love with me before the…incident. Yet he still…And right in front of me, too."

Emmett sighed.

"I think it was a memory." Justin wheeled around then, looking at Emmett with wide, hopeful eyes. "But…maybe I'm wrong. What do you think?"

Emmett hedged, "What did Brian say when you asked?"

Justin shook his head. "He's out of town. He left yesterday. But even if he were here, I'm not sure I would ask."

"Why?"

"I'm afraid of what he'll say. I don't want it to be true. We said weren't going to talk about the past. You know, just the present and the future. We decided that we'd let fate decide what I remembered, so, per our agreement, I could ask him about specific memories that come back, but…maybe I should just pretend that they're dreams. Nightmares. Try to forget. What's important is what we have now, right?"

Emmett stepped back, crossed his arms, and shook his head. "I…I'm in no position to give advice. Your situation is unique, and I'm not a psychologist."

Justin laughed, but it wasn't the warm laughter that usually bubbled up through his voice. "I promise I won't sue if you give me what ends up being bad advice."

Emmett uncrossed his arms and start fidgeting with Rex's shirt. The thin silvery material sparkled in the sunshine. He cleared his throat. "I think hurts from the past are like boils. They'll fester and then burst, spewing pus all over the present, your happiness." Emmett drew a shuddery breath. He didn't want to be having this conversation. "Maybe wrecking everything. Or preventing you from ever really being able to enjoy the present. Cause even if you pretend they aren't there, they are. And anytime you or someone else goes near 'em, you'll feel pain."

Justin looked away, back at the passersby, and shook his head. "How do I ask?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do I ask Brian how he could love me and yet choose someone else right in front of me? And then fuck that someone else where I could see? Who knows how many times…I mean…" Justin's voice broke again. "Who does that? And what's to stop him from doing it again? If I wasn't enough for him before…how can I be enough for him now?"

Emmett tread even more carefully now. "Have you talked about last year at all?"

"A little. The other night, when I ran out of Boitoi, it was because I remembered something."

"Oh?" Emmett was pretty sure he didn't want to know what Justin had remembered. In fact, Emmett didn't want to have been witness to the many, many times the old Brian had broken Justin's heart. He'd been happy for Justin when he saw Justin with the new Brian, with no bad memories to sully their simple joy.

"I remembered fucking that guy who hit on me. In an alley. I was so stupid." Justin was shaking his head. He laughed, a bitter laugh that sliced through the air, through Emmett. "I thought I'd cheated on Brian."

Emmett tried to even out his breathing. Tried to play dumb. "What did Brian say when you told him?"

"That we…we weren't monogamous at the time. That I…I hadn't done anything wrong."

"Did you talk about that?"

"What?"

Emmett slowed his breathing even more. Started rubbing his hands together. "Why you weren't monogamous…"

"Yeah. A little. I asked Brian why I would want anyone else…you know…" Emmett could hear unshed tears in Justin's voice now. "…because he's so beautiful and I'm in love with him. Then and now. He said…he said that it wasn't me who…" Justin's voice didn't just crack or break then. It shattered. "…wanted other men."

Emmett nodded slowly and looked down. But miraculously, he managed to keep his voice light, surprised. "Oh."

"I asked him whether he was all mine now."

A glimmer of hope. "What did he say?"

"Yes. He said yes. I thought that was all that mattered. I mean, we're together. It's just him and me. So I should be happy and secure…" Justin drew in a shuddery breath. "It's one thing to fuck other people, but in front of the person you love? That seems cruel. Brian told me that I wasn't the one who wanted us to have an open relationship…so he must have known that it would kill me…that just knowing he was fucking other people would kill me…but to see it." Justin shook his head, his voice desperate now. "That can't be right. I must've dreamed it wrong. Brian…he's been so sweet to me. I mean…he rented a French movie and made me dinner for our first date…and we danced. He holds my hand all the time in public…He worries about me. So much. And he…God this is going to sound dumb…but he…we…well, the sex isn't just sex. I know, I know, with every fiber of my being that he loves me. I know he loves me."

With that, Justin walked back into the shop proper. Emmett moved Spike back to where he'd been before. Only now, he turned him so that he was facing Rex. So that they were facing each other. He smiled a little. "Much better." Then he followed Justin out and shut the display case door.

Suddenly the phone rang. "Torso, Emmett speaking. How may I help you?" Emmett stiffened. "Oh. Hi." Emmett touched Justin's shoulder and mouthed, "Brian."

Justin looked down and bit his lip. Then he looked back up and smiled a little shyly, taking the phone. No matter what he'd dreamed, he still missed Brian like crazy. "Hello." Yesterday had been a beautiful day, but Justin'd ended up spending most of it in bed. He didn't understand. He'd been fine the last time Brian was away. He'd been full of energy. Finding a place and a job. Moving out of his parents' house. But all he'd done since Brian had left yesterday morning was think about him. Wonder what he was doing. Wonder whether Brian missed him. Fantasized about what they'd do when he got back.

"Afternoon, Kitten."

"I thought you were going to be in meetings all day."

"Turns out, I had a little time."

TBC…


End file.
